Monday, June 20, 2005
rambly randomnessI suddenly realised the other day: it's already June. Well, it's almost gone. As usual this has been said so many times that it doesn't matter that much. I can't help but feel I've been tiptoeing through this year, tiptoeing through people's lives. Whatever that has happened from the beginning of the year up till May, seems like a distant memory, a dream even, or something from a different lifetime. Everything is so far away from me right now, I can't describe it but it's somewhat strange.
So much has been going on, basically lots of chaos and drama. A neverending rush to finish something, to work towards something. Maybe that's why, I'm so busy the days flit by and I don't really remember when I did what, which is sad because I start to take things for granted. I wonder if it's too late to do anything that I wanted to do at the beginning of the year. And I realise that I have changed so much since, aged, more like it. I am so much more aware now of myself. And growing up, this thing that I have been looking forward to, doesn't seem like such an exciting prospect anymore.
I'm not going to think so much, but sometimes I do get bugged by certain things. Like, I constantly wonder about who/what/where I am, as opposed to who/what/where I am supposed to be, or wanted to be. I give too much thought to what I'm not more than anything. There are so many things that I'm trying to figure out, what do I really want? I think it's because I screwed up so much before that I'm convinced I have bad judgment, and so I'm unsure because I don't want to mess up again. I want more than what I already have, perhaps that's why I haven't been exactly happy. But then when I accepted that I couldn't have everything I wanted, I found contentment. It's something I'm slowly but surely learning.
There are times when I can be absolutely sure that I want to do something, there are days when I just don't want to do anything. My hopes propel me as much as my failures and disappointments drag me down, so in a way, there's balance, and neither can be dispelled. I've moved from indifference to anger to feeling depressed. Horrible innit, to lose control of things like that. I know better now that the storm clouds have cleared. I'm not going to hold back anymore. Other's expectations versus what I want? The latter, definitely. [After feeling really bad about letting people down]
That said, I'm so glad that I'm surrounded [mostly] by people who support me, have faith in me and who care and understand. The parentals are slowly coming round, even springing a pleasant surprise. They never fail to make me feel bad. =P
I've been doing plenty of meet-ups with friends lately-much needed, I must say. My heart feels distinctly lighter during these good times. There was Mel, where we felt alien sitting upstairs at Breko because of the canoodling couples and quickly escaped to Gelare after dinner for their waffles+ice-cream. Then it was to Antipodean to try on their "goddess" dresses and damn I couldn't stop twirling in that empire waist dress cuz it was a sumptuous piece of gorgeousness. =P
There was Angela and Karen, for more Gelare goodness, and cakes at Cafe Rosso [it was kinda late so we had the whole place to ourselves]. *ahem* Apparently I am the last to blog about our little outing. But let's just say I want to go back there again and for good reason (s) too.
Just last Saturday, I met the 1.9m-ish Genny for "dinner and a spot of shopping", so read her sms. I felt short. 10 years of friendship and still going strong! =) [even though we haven't met up lately!]Indulging in Bakerzin's calorific lovelies and taking funny pictures and laughing lots. And oh one of my favourite shopping partners, for being encouraging and empathetic towards my shopping tendencies, and introducing me to new places/things.
And then there is Fly, for whom there is so much to say but no actual need to.
I don't really want to go back to work tomorrow after this break but yes, there is money to be made and yes, uni is starting soon. I'm vascillating between blah and excitement. But the most important thing to me at the moment is to relish everything that is here, right now-and in spite of all the anxiety, things really aren't that bad.
It took me so long to figure that out, but I'm glad I did anyway.
rachel at 10:44 PM