Thursday, January 12, 2006
brrr-ito. i can't believe how cold it's been, but bundling up has been fun. waking up early in the morning and trudging to school - not. given my chronologically challenged attention span, i have a tendency to doze off. i went for my first english literature lecture this afternoon, having missed last week's introductory one. managing (or rather, juggling would be more apt) 6 modules isn't as easy despite my 4-day week, and i find my willpower waning much more than i'd usually allow. (especially since other friends end 4 hours earlier!)i often wonder why i do things that don't make me happy but for the sake of not offending someone else/upsetting a relationship/making someone happy. it has caused me so much resentment as can be seen from earlier posts. and even then i'm a really stubborn person by nature so this behavior of mine is baffling.
i've always tried, but disappointed, and being accused of not making any effort, and worse still, being selfish, frustrates me to no end. i don't need to proclaim what i've done or do special things for the sake (and sentiment) of the occasion when in my heart i mean good. discussions always end up in frustrating debates in which i'm always wrong and i don't know shit.
and yes, i'm new to alot of things. but just because i don't know my way around doesn't give anyone else the right to decide for me, to tell me which path to take. i value constructive advice, not absolute decisions as to what i should do or how i should do something. making mistakes is only natural and part of the whole process. yet there are people in my life who can't seem to forgive and forget, it's like they're perpetually stuck in a rut and bent on obsessing over something that's already in the past, it's so pathetic, really.
all of the above aren't ways in which we're really living our lives. and many don't see that till it's too late. the way i see it, everyone's just focused on getting what they want they don't care about what's around them. and even if they claim to want the best for other people ultimately it's not their life.
i've always believed (but never quite managed to) and have always been told not to care about what others think of me or say about me as long as i know the truth and i have a clear conscience. even if i were to try telling my side of the story [honestly] most people already have preconceived notions and would rather readily believe what shit their friends feed them.
and while it'd be safe to conclude that it is a fucked up world we live in and that people are inherently evil i know that there's so much more. like what we learnt during lit today [and one reason why i love lit so much is that it tells us so much about humanity, as opposed to dull and dry communications research, ack] is that with experience [meaning as we grow], we'd naturally become more cynical. an idea courtesy of william blake.
now i find myself being pseudo-enthusiastic about things when in reality i feel like i've lost all drive to do well and prove my worth. everything has become so overwhelming i can't articulate myself, stumble over my words and am incapable of asserting myself without getting so annoyed i cave into petulance.
this isn't who i am. normally, anyway.
in spite of all this, eventually i know what i want is definitely worth fighting for even if it means souring a relationship. ultimately it's our own happiness that we're in charge of and i wouldn't have it any other way. there comes a time when all that emotional baggage has to go, really. i have so much to give and share, and i've got many blessings and saving graces in my life, it's all a matter of rising above the circumstances and looking at the big picture.
rachel at 10:28 PM