Saturday, February 25, 2006
recess week is like almost over. nothing much accomplished because it's supposed to be a holiday, innit.anyway been down and out the past 2 days, shouldn't have waited to see a doctor. finally went and it was almost-instant pain relief. now of course i gotta be religious about applying the medicine.
so yeah, stuck at home watching television in bed and making futile attempts to study for the 103 midterm. it's all so technical so it can never quite stay in my head for long. i've been good with doing the laundry and the dishes just so i do something purposeful.
i like my new choker alot. the same postman came twice this week to deliver my parcels...i wonder what he thinks. hehe.
rachel at 12:29 AM
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
i watched the scorcher of a late afternoon sun as it set against the backdrop of a pale blue cloudless sky, scattering diamonds over the lake.twas a beautiful sight, sans the heat.
then i find myself like this almost every night - contemplative and alone, wondering if things could be any different.
tired, but i can't quite sleep.
a bruised knee [ my heart goes out to alan smith], and a bruised heart.
it's when we open our hearts that we often forget we can be loved or hurt, and if we want to love/be loved, hurt is inevitable.
rachel at 12:22 AM
Monday, February 20, 2006
odd, isn't it, how things change. maybe wanting something fills people with more desire than having something. it was like any ordinary day, when i wake up, freshen up, read the papers and turn on the lifebook. so there it was.remember this? I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you. i posted this back in dec.
somehow, that doesn't apply anymore. emptiness fills my heart. there is a time and place for everything, not to mention, a reason, even if we don't know it from the start. lessons are meant to be learnt, trying as they may be. perhaps i am ready to move on, and even if, sometime in the future, i find myself back where i was, i'd be wiser and know how to handle it better.
rachel at 10:50 AM
Sunday, February 19, 2006
I don’t want to have any thoughts that start with “If Only”, heave sighs of regret, or find myself sobbing over moments ruined and opportunities lost. I want to be as unaffected as possible, to go on living my life as it has always been. I don’t want to let this harden me into someone bitter and cynical; I would rather live with misplaced idealism. It’s difficult to let go and walk away, but sometimes distance can bridge gaps and bring people closer together. As I look back now, I think I’ve sacrificed too much, at the expense of my own happiness. It has become perfectly lucid that I need to do something for myself, and leaving would be the healthiest prescription for me.rachel at 11:36 PM
Friday, February 17, 2006
i found myself in a fit of anger earlier, it's crazy. i mean, i shouldn't let people get to me. anyway, to add on to that, i dropped my phone on the way home and it was raining. amazingly, my phone's intact but a bit chipped here and a bit scratched there - my heart aches. it's so new. i am so good at the butterfingered thing i annoy myself so much.thanks to concerned friends who cheered me up and calmed me down in such a short span of time, things don't seem so bad anymore. it's always so nice to have someone to listen to you even if they can't give you advice.
i'm really happy over the remarks i got from the prof on my reaction paper for english lit. i was so unsure about it but put alot of thought into it, i'm glad it came out good. i realize that even though i try not to be, i'm still a perfectionist. when i do something, i need to do it real good and i need to get great results in order to be happy. i guess it's good to do something with the end in mind, to know that you wanna do well in something, but only being happy if you achieve that, i'm not so sure. [then again, if you put hard work and thought into something, it may be unlikely to turn out mediocre] that's probably why, be it big or small, i worry about my projects/assignments/work all the same anyway.
i'm self-imposing an early term break for myself. hehe - i need it.
rachel at 12:33 AM
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
a difficult week or so of school has ended. assignments and projects have been cleared and submitted on time, presentation done, and now there's the term paper left to write. finally tonight i have time on my hands to do nothing much in particular. watching tv in bed and drinking tea. very relaxing. tomorrow, will clear the mess that's been piling up again on my table, after i clear my sleep debt. auditions are tomorrow, boo:( so i don't get my wednesday off.i'm not into celebrating valentine's day cuz it is after all the feast day of st. valentine and there isn't as much fanfare on the feast days of other saints. for the most part i don't see why couples need to treat each other superspecial on this day when they can do it everyday sans all the trimmings. i see more people holding hands, more smiley faces, bouquets of roses going at ridiculous prices, heartshaped balloons, chocolates, special vday dining/hotel packages/getaways...wassup with all that, apart from the last few examples where people wanna milk some easy moolah. okay, that does sound very bah humbug, but i do think it makes sense.
just finished watching two eps of the gilmore girls - i love the clothes in the new season. they are so classic and polished. i do feel like i need an awful lot of retail therapy after all that stressing out and restraining myself from impulse buying during that period of time.
rachel at 11:39 PM
Saturday, February 11, 2006
boo:( for the past 3 hours i've been working on my presentation but mostly doingotherunrelatedthings. thankfully, and this is better late than never, i am getting more ideas and that has sort of lifted me out of my potentially content-lacking rut.i do need to seriously decipher all this technical computer/internet jargon.
this weekend, i'll mostly be a recluse and go out only when necessary.
i have been bitchy/grumpy because of the projects - coordination can be difficult and that's pretty much an understatement.
bakerzin lemon tart to cheer me up. hot and very sweet tea. j'adore my new charm bracelet. friends who bring me comfort. little things make the crap(s) more bearable.
rachel at 12:19 AM
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
my energy for the rest of the week has been more or less depleted. pooey projects and the like.tomorrow's the free day, and it shall be fully utilised to finish work, study for a quiz, give tuition and run errands. i actually don't mind much because after all it doesn't entail going to school.
managed to doze off in every lecture for the past 2 days, i am that shagged. i came back and slept for two hours, it made me feel so good. plus the other little things: a hot shower, a face mask, body butter and clean sheets. i still look awful though. :P
rachel at 11:36 PM
Sunday, February 05, 2006
It being the 7th day of the Lunar New Year, it's "everybody's birthday".We went to lo hei at my cousin's place and had lots to eat, and luck is with me so far this year, made another killing playing blackjack. I had some Singapore Sling too, which gave me warm fuzzy feelings. I hate that everytime I drink I turn so fricking red when I'm not even drunk [it is an Asian affliction I say], but it tasted really good.
Right so I have hardly done any work today after waking up so late after staying up so late doing work, and the cycle repeats itself.
I am very hyper now, feel like a boingboing.
To write a poem is not painful, and yet after hours are spent on it, polishing and retouching, there is a certain touch of despair mingled with our other feelings that indicates the lack of perfect, undoubted satisfaction, a certain self-reproach because the lines do not carry the entire beauty of the sentiment.
-The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume Two, Anaïs Nin
rachel at 12:20 AM
Saturday, February 04, 2006
i came back from school to find a nice surprise of a brown box sitting in the mailbox. <3 the usps. aye, little things like that seem to mean alot when life isn't exactly rosy. i'd almost forgotten about the bath and body works stuff i had gotten via a personal shopper in cali. plus she filled it up with fortune cookies...hurray! the last time i ate them was years ago when my grandma went to la. not that i like eating fortune cookies, it's not remarkable in taste, but i get a cheap thrill from fishing out that slip of paper with my so-called fortune written on it.how apt, i promptly tried on my new bigelow seaweed soothing mask- it feels so refreshing. the stress is making me break out again. up close i look like a freak.
sigh...it looks to be a busy weekend and an even busier week. i am a lot less flustered now than i was before. <3 online window shopping and chomping down cookie after cookie [and chocolates too] at times like these. all the unhealthy habits have a field day. legs and shoulders are aching though i have ashamedly stopped exercise of all sorts - perhaps they want to be exercised but the only things i want to do when i'm at home is to sleep, read in bed, watch tv in bed, sit at laptop and surf or watch my shows ... geez, i've practically created my own ecosystem.
rachel at 12:23 AM
Thursday, February 02, 2006
what an utterly poopifying day.after feeling so incredibly stressed out, i stayed up till 2am working on my project. i can't function properly when i get less than 7 hours of sleep. a deadline was postponed, and i filled up my organizer with the important dates, which made me feel marginally better but less overwhelmed.
there's just so much to do, and it's not just school. admittedly, i've been sacrificing school for everything else. become more forgetful, less mindful of others, more demanding, more crabby...
i guess we're all compelled to do what we want, not what we have to, but it's all a matter of self-discipline, of which mine has clearly waned. i am excited about studying certain things, but having to rush the work takes the joy out of the process of learning. hrmmph. i don't even know where to start now.
rachel at 11:18 PM
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
okay so there will be a 2nd performance by corrinne may after all, due to overwhelming response for tickets. does anyone want to go?hmm i feel so disconcerted going back to school after the chinese new year holidays. it's as if it's a strange place or i don't really belong there. it was so nightmarish because of the two ongoing projects, two assignments, a presentation and a flurry of deadlines all within the next two weeks. ending on Valentine's Day, most aptly.
i'm gonna need some major lurvin' by then, I'm pretty darn sure.
i am rapidly exhausting the chocolate supply, but i need something to get me through my readings. and what cheered me up lots ... i picked up my MAC loot from fly yesterday - the petticoat mineralized skin finish from the lingerie collection that everyone's been raving about [ sold out everywhere save for the airport dfs! ] and the fluidline in blacktrack. right now it's all nice to look at and i can't quite bear to use them. hehe.
last night i watched memoirs of a geisha and i love the beautiful scenery and the panning effects. old world japan has so much charm and mystique. i am going to read the book now, but well, i wasn't too taken with the middle of the movie though i did love the beginning. it's very engaging and fascinating on the whole, though i suppose it is more an "americanised" version as opposed to the true japanese concept of a geisha.
rachel at 11:15 PM