Wednesday, June 29, 2005
waiting for wunderlandIt always comes back to me whenever I'm travelling down that stretch of highway at night in a cab, where the familiarity of those happier days remain a distant memory I'm trying to reach out for. Music spills softly out of the speakers and the bright lights of the cars and the muted glow of the streetlamps illuminate an otherwise dark night. I am sunk into the seat gazing out at nothing but in my mind contemplating a world which now seems surreal. I am tired and cabbing home so I can get back faster, but then I want the journey to last a little longer so I can hold on to these moments for a bit more. Leaving is the most difficult bit, but ironically I find myself wanting to come back to where it all left off.
And I hope that one day my very own White Rabbit will come along, I'll fall into a rabbit hole and end up in my idea of Wonderland, a la Miz Alice but only better.
rachel at 10:41 PM
Monday, June 27, 2005
what's up buttercupDinner at Corduroy & Finch's tonight was surprisingly pleasant. The company, the food, the ambience, everything. I did read about the crowd and the sub-par service there but today being Monday is definitely a good day to go. Service was exceedingly good and no they did not lose my order, nor serve my dessert before my main course, nor take slightly under an hour to deliver my food. The place reminds me of someplace like Pastis, or something you'd find in Manhattan. I love the deli/eatery/shop concept, all that gourmet food and the floor to ceiling shelves of drinks, wines and cans. The cosy chic decor and the warm muted lights=romantic. And then there was the food. I must rave about my lemon tart, cute little piece of perfection it is. Plus the tap in the washroom, it's totally unique as well. *lol*
On the flipside, good times just have to end so fast. So many things to say, like certain hilarous moments worth mentioning, nagging conundrums and recent musings made. Things that I just wanna share with someone because they've either stuck in my mind, or had an impact on me, or was a you-can't-miss-this kinda thing. What a rush, but definitely worth it. And it doesn't matter if it lasted just below two hours, it made my day simply by being meaningful. I am snug as a bud and lighthearted, a great way to close an otherwise hectic day.
rachel at 10:59 PM
Friday, June 24, 2005
goodiesBoy, is RC thankful that it's Friday. I need chillaxation bad! So I decided not to go home today, wise move. Not before I met Mel to pick up my little brown bag that put a huuuge grin on my face when I opened it up. Oh goody gumdrops I now have my hands on the luxurious, decadent and bestselling lemon+sage body butter from NY's famed Bliss spa. Yes, cult status, I worship. The only thing I've done so far is to cradle the tube in my hands, admire its kitschiness, and open the cap to catch a whiff of the heavenly citrusy scent. My only grouse is the price, because tax in California stands at 8.25%! Ahh, but it has all been worth it. :)
Tonight was: Wimbledon, S-League [certain favourite player in some team was playing, match shown live on TV], burger followed by Dreyer's. Mmm. And Fly, who fell asleep over the phone. Hmph. I love bumming around because of the luxury of time it offers-doing what you want when you want for as long/short as you want. I took a very positive step towards it by informing the people at work that next week will be my last week.
rachel at 10:58 PM
Thursday, June 23, 2005
i'm up for the little white liesEvery self-respecting gal/woman/lady should not subject herself to this kinda "torture". Thanks to Genny for being my partner in crime and woman warrior. We hit the Mango sales after work and it being the first day it was so fricking packed [like sardines in a tin]. The good thing about shopping in pairs is teamwork. Delegation. Read: Help me look for this in size x and vice versa. Especially when there's hardly room to walk and clothes are strewn in messy heaps on the floor, plus all that pushing, shoving and grabbing. Eeeew! It cheapens everything doesn't it. We ended up not finding any drop-dead gorgeous stuff and walked out empty handed, convinced that we'd rather buy nett-priced stuff than stuff that's been viciously yanked and badly treated. We were also both claustrophobic, you see. We didn't like having our air space invaded and getting too close for comfort with strangers. Plus, the queues! Unfortunately it's one of our favourite stores. :/ We hit Starbucks later and ohhh the vanilla frappe more than satisfied my sweet tooth and semi made up for the fruitless evening. Club21 sale tomorrow? Naaah I need a break.
I think I have had enough of work. It has become a rather mindless activity though admittedly it brings it great money but is terribly unfulfilling and I find myself wishing I could be doing other things. Well ok, I suppose work evokes dreary images but this feeling of mine has intensified so I'm going to quit next week before orientation starts. *gulp* I'm so glad the bulk of major-decision making is over and I can move on and be light-hearted and happy again.
Contentment, its a wonderful thing.
I am thinking of writing poetry. I did that way before, in secondary school, but it felt all too trite. Like I really know so much about love that I can write about it. I think I do prose better. But, man, after reading some really beautiful poetry I'm tempted and motivated to create some of my own. I love liquid poetry where the words flow so smoothly, how ordinary things are given special meaning, the vivid descriptions and the articulation of pictures into words. And [this is utterly superficial], how it can be cobbled together in 15 minutes once inspiration hits.
rachel at 11:11 PM
Monday, June 20, 2005
rambly randomnessI suddenly realised the other day: it's already June. Well, it's almost gone. As usual this has been said so many times that it doesn't matter that much. I can't help but feel I've been tiptoeing through this year, tiptoeing through people's lives. Whatever that has happened from the beginning of the year up till May, seems like a distant memory, a dream even, or something from a different lifetime. Everything is so far away from me right now, I can't describe it but it's somewhat strange.
So much has been going on, basically lots of chaos and drama. A neverending rush to finish something, to work towards something. Maybe that's why, I'm so busy the days flit by and I don't really remember when I did what, which is sad because I start to take things for granted. I wonder if it's too late to do anything that I wanted to do at the beginning of the year. And I realise that I have changed so much since, aged, more like it. I am so much more aware now of myself. And growing up, this thing that I have been looking forward to, doesn't seem like such an exciting prospect anymore.
I'm not going to think so much, but sometimes I do get bugged by certain things. Like, I constantly wonder about who/what/where I am, as opposed to who/what/where I am supposed to be, or wanted to be. I give too much thought to what I'm not more than anything. There are so many things that I'm trying to figure out, what do I really want? I think it's because I screwed up so much before that I'm convinced I have bad judgment, and so I'm unsure because I don't want to mess up again. I want more than what I already have, perhaps that's why I haven't been exactly happy. But then when I accepted that I couldn't have everything I wanted, I found contentment. It's something I'm slowly but surely learning.
There are times when I can be absolutely sure that I want to do something, there are days when I just don't want to do anything. My hopes propel me as much as my failures and disappointments drag me down, so in a way, there's balance, and neither can be dispelled. I've moved from indifference to anger to feeling depressed. Horrible innit, to lose control of things like that. I know better now that the storm clouds have cleared. I'm not going to hold back anymore. Other's expectations versus what I want? The latter, definitely. [After feeling really bad about letting people down]
That said, I'm so glad that I'm surrounded [mostly] by people who support me, have faith in me and who care and understand. The parentals are slowly coming round, even springing a pleasant surprise. They never fail to make me feel bad. =P
I've been doing plenty of meet-ups with friends lately-much needed, I must say. My heart feels distinctly lighter during these good times. There was Mel, where we felt alien sitting upstairs at Breko because of the canoodling couples and quickly escaped to Gelare after dinner for their waffles+ice-cream. Then it was to Antipodean to try on their "goddess" dresses and damn I couldn't stop twirling in that empire waist dress cuz it was a sumptuous piece of gorgeousness. =P
There was Angela and Karen, for more Gelare goodness, and cakes at Cafe Rosso [it was kinda late so we had the whole place to ourselves]. *ahem* Apparently I am the last to blog about our little outing. But let's just say I want to go back there again and for good reason (s) too.
Just last Saturday, I met the 1.9m-ish Genny for "dinner and a spot of shopping", so read her sms. I felt short. 10 years of friendship and still going strong! =) [even though we haven't met up lately!]Indulging in Bakerzin's calorific lovelies and taking funny pictures and laughing lots. And oh one of my favourite shopping partners, for being encouraging and empathetic towards my shopping tendencies, and introducing me to new places/things.
And then there is Fly, for whom there is so much to say but no actual need to.
I don't really want to go back to work tomorrow after this break but yes, there is money to be made and yes, uni is starting soon. I'm vascillating between blah and excitement. But the most important thing to me at the moment is to relish everything that is here, right now-and in spite of all the anxiety, things really aren't that bad.
It took me so long to figure that out, but I'm glad I did anyway.
rachel at 10:44 PM