Wednesday, March 29, 2006
argh. it doesn't pay to be nice or patient with people. this after having my toes stepped and being climbed over to the point that i'm seriously questioning why do i even bother putting up with it all?i think that losing one's temper doesn't leave a very good impression on others, so i try to be diplomatic as possible. i'll smile, hold my tongue, bite my lip, clench my fist and curl my toes. i am not very good at showing i am annoyed or angry, i guess. i used to be the opposite, though, but not at the extreme end.
being firm is the key, i suppose. i hate not being taken seriously just because i appear to be easygoing, and after awhile people just take advantage of your niceness and they cannot accept it if you show an ounce of displeasure.
yesterday as i stepped out of the train and walked down the stairs, someone literally pushed me from behind because he was in a hurry and i was in his way. i clutched the railing to avoid falling and this meant that i was blocking him since he was trying to cut in front of me from that side. of course it aggravated him further and he grunted very loudly. he then proceeded to shove the person adjacent to him aside and cut in front of me.
just because you are late for school, work or an appointment gives you no right to do something uncivilised like that. it's downright barbaric, who the hell in his right mind pushes other people deliberately? it just goes to show how insensitive and un-civic-minded and selfish some people are. i was stunned and surprised myself by not saying anything. if i was who i was circa 2005 and younger...i'd probably be like 'fuck you what the fuck do you think you are doing you bloody asshole' or something to that degree. which'd just show that my high tolerance level had whittled down to the range of the negative. now it's more of like, just give me some time i'll cool down.
i won't say that i'd hate someone for being mean or causing hurt to me...i'd just never forget how i felt when that happened. perhaps it'd be good for people to know your limits so they don't push it so far. i'll have to work on that.
rachel at 9:27 PM
Sunday, March 26, 2006
yes, i have finally hit the big 2-0.it was an unexpectedly wonderful one. i had three birthday celebrations. and i spent it with the people that mattered the most to me. thank yous are in order to all my friends who messaged me to wish me well, and my family for making it so memorable and happy.
on friday night, fly and i went to chijmes to celebrate both our birthdays. he's 13 days older than me. we dined al fresco at pizzeria giardino, where surprisingly it's not pricey given it's location. the drinks, though, were a different story altogether. unfortunately, my camera conked out rather quickly and i'd thought i wouldn't need spare batteries, so the photos aren't very good. we shared a nice big cipolla (pizza with mozarella, onions and bacon) and a strawberry romanoff which was just sublime. the atmosphere is lovely, with the tealights, the night breeze, the grassy landscape and the lovely scenery. excuse the duck lips.
shortly after we got there, i realized we were the only non-caucasian diners. how strange! btw, fly's shirt basically says on the back that Jesus does miracles for his soccer team. just found that funny. :p we went shopping for a bit after dinner, and i was pleased to find a new skirt for myself, the sort that i'd been looking for.
i had to wake up uber early because my grandmother wanted us to get a headstart on qing ming. it was less crowded (because it's the beginning) and getting a parking spot was easy peasy. phew. this is the first birthday in years (i think ever since i was a kid) that i've got almost my entire family with me, cousins and all. and after lunch, i was surprised with a lovely cake from swissbake courtesy of my aunt...it's such a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by your family, really. seeing all the faces around you, clapping and singing, then making a wish and blowing out the candles...it was all i could want.and i genuinely wished in that moment that i'd put all the hurt and regret behind me and look forward to the future with hope and to once again live life as i wanted to, with renewed zeal and optimism.
a nice buffet dinner at a japanese restaurant with my family (just the 4 of us) rounded off an amazing day. tiring but fulfilling and it's gone by so fast. this is by far one of the best birthdays i've had in years, and everyone's love, thoughtfulness, generosity, warm wishes and company just made it perfect the way it was. i'm feeling incredibly blessed :)
rachel at 9:00 PM
Saturday, March 25, 2006
last year on march 25 it was good friday. that day is still startingly clear in my mind. i remember going out to meet angela and karen for my early birthday lunch at menotti's. i had walked from dover to buona vista mrt in the hopes of flagging a cab (to no avail) because the train service was terminated (accident) and the buses were packed. finally after a long while i managed to book a cab and turned up flustered and unfashionably late. i remember the desserts very well...they have kept me going back there ever since.more importantly i guess, was the pleasantest surprise i had on my way home, after my friends and i had parted after lunch. nothing exciting hardly ever happens in my life anyway. everything connected to that since just feels so surreal. and now, it all seems so far away, like in a previous lifetime. some things you remember so well because you know you will never experience them again.
i remember the light drizzle and walking under a clear blue sky. i was wearing pink, as is the case more often than not. it later poured buckets, but nothing could dampen my excitement and enthusiasm. i guess that surprise was the icing on my birthday cake.
a year has passed, expectations have failed, disappointments have left me embittered, hopes and dreams have been dashed...and one is left thinking what's there left to live for, without any ounce of passion and zest for life. people change, but are we closer to who we want to be, or have we gone off on a tangent? i guess i'm further away, primarily due to my rosetinted perspectives. but at least now i know there's still a lot to live for, even if i do not know what it is. it doesn't take alot to remind me of what keeps me going.
rachel at 11:47 PM
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
communication research is not my cup of tea. after this semester, i hope i never have to touch it again or go near it with a ten foot pole. me and communication research = dunzo. it's probably far tougher and drier than everything else and for the life of me, i can't grasp the concepts.well, in fact, i did try to get some studying done today. maybe it's the hot weather, maybe i'm lazy, or tired, or all of the above, but i can't do memory work right now. i think i need to take a chill pill. for now, i'm especially worried over my nonexistent attention span and how i feel like everything is beyond me. i do find myself spending an inordinate amount of time getting caught up in the unnecessary and frivolous.
a pretty gold box wrapped up smartly with a red bow arrived today. *beams* in it, my "spring" bracelet! lovelyyy.
rachel at 11:54 PM
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
okay, so i haven't updated in heaps. it hasn't been eventful, and things are starting to pick up steam again. everything's a mess, the state of my room being a prime example. there's so many things to do and i'm struggling to do everything well but not quite measuring up. i just wanna hold it all together, stop the rush, madness and major bloopers, and quit disappointing myself. somehow nothing ever goes quite smoothly in such circumstances and the most frustrating thing would be to be misunderstood.feeling damn shagged now, what with thoughts of exams looming in under a month and that dastardly project due next week. i wanna channel my energies into studying for the exams because quite frankly i haven't studied all semester except for the odd quiz or so and i am starting to get worried.
last weekend was one of the most relaxing ones with hardly anything to do. no impending deadlines, anyway. on friday morning i hitched a ride to town from my dad and made some silly impulse buys. i felt tired the next few days despite not doing anything that required much effort, the worst was not being able to sleep. we went for a wake on saturday and that really did me in on sunday.
my unhealthy habits are creeping up on me again, just when i've been doing good so far.
i'd hate to turn 20 this way, with a flurry of activity that makes everything rush by. i'd just like things to slow down a bit, so i'm really grateful that i'll turn 20 on sunday and not on a weekday which would have put me in a bah-humbuggish mood. i figured instead of being so apprehensive about getting older i should be more appreciative, right?
i'm cheered up by the early presents from some of my family, and london mail:) sure, everyone's got to deal with a daily dose of crap but there's just some things, not to mention people, that really do give you something to be thankful for and to smile about. i've been so pessimistic and negative lately but in the grand scheme of things [which is what we should focus on!] it could be worse.
so i think that when i turn 20, i want to be thankful, happy and hopeful.
rachel at 11:34 PM
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
everything is slowly winding downit's mid march already...exams are about a month away
in singapore, it's perenially sunny & humid
in other places, spring will slowly unfold
the air will be crisp and clean
lightly warm but with a gentle breeze
the snow will melt, the greens will flourish with careless abandon
the buds will blossom into delicate flowers
and the greys of the sky will give way to a pastel blue.
that's something to look forward to - over there, that is
here, things are always how they are,
same old same old.
and therein lies my inner conflict
i want the days to pass faster
so i can get everything done and over with
but i want them to go by slower
so i'll be able to appreciate things more
see the big picture
and be more contented and less disenchanted.
rachel at 11:51 PM
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Things are definitely picking up in school, but they're gonna wind down very soon, for which I'm grateful for.A rather busy but uneventful week. Pretty much going through the same motions each day, worrying about getting work done, worrying about whether work done will turn out good. This is by far one of the most relaxing weekends so far, partly because I haven't got any tuition to give today so I could stay at home, and I got almost 10 hours of sleep last night.
It has been hard to focus on my work this year...I have been fidgety, emotional and distracted. I guess it's good that I'm determined to work hard from now on till the exams and not let certain things faze me. This afternoon I holed myself up in my room, air-conditioned comfort because the heat makes me flustered, stocked up on 3 different drinks and after 5 hours, churned out an English paper.
My eyeballs feel like they're gonna pop outta their sockets.
One more to go...I don't quite like broadcast writing much though, but getting all this cleared will mean more time to chill. :)
rachel at 11:04 PM
Monday, March 06, 2006
it's the first day of the s-league today. i can't believe a year has passed.i'm 20 days to turning 20.
it's just a number, innit? but it sure don't feel like it. everything seems to be passing me by so quickly.
rachel at 11:15 PM
Sunday, March 05, 2006
My horoscope in the Lifestyle section today was disturbing because it was spot-on:You may have noticed how your most intimate relationships have been affected over the last year or so, and you have discovered a growing need for security. You have also realised the urgency of reining in your spending.
rachel at 11:29 PM
Saturday, March 04, 2006
I ain't got no inspiration.As part of my strategic time planning to meet all my deadlines in the next week, get some decent rest and preserve my sanity, it is imperative I get a substantial amount of it out of the way by this weekend.
So I thought I'd be done with my English paper by now (2 hours later) but I've only thought of the details and not the points to frame it. Argh.
Surprisingly, as compared to previous weeks when there were multiple deadlines, I am a whole lot more Zen.
rachel at 11:04 PM
i need more days like this one.to walk with a smile on your face, a spring in your step and a lightness in your heart.
i miss that feeling.
shopping was goood, the spring/summer collections are slowly coming out so there's new things to see. i usually look forward to this because of the palette of colours used - pretty pastels/bright cheery colours and light fabrics.
i couldn't resist checking out shu uemura's sweet mode makeup collection, and promptly loved [and subsequently purchased] their candy pink blush with a pearly finish, aptly named sakura. i seem to have a penchant for limited edition makeup - my makeup collection will attest to that.
shortly after i went to mac, and daarn the culturebloom collection was launched today! it's limited edition too (hmph) and i had my eye on a few things (e.g. a blush!). fortunately for me, i was put off by the seriously crap service and that i didn't find anything special after testing them out. the salespeople at shu uemura were so much more friendly, knowledgeable and attentive. i mean, who the hell says things like "mac has very trendy colours" in a holier-than-thou way?!
speaking of good service, i like kiehl's too. i went to stock up on some products and the saleswoman was so nice, she gave me samples.
i've had a nice break for today - time to spend the rest of the weekend bamboozling my way through papers and projects. no more emo feelings and thinking too much.
crummy feelings begone!
rachel at 12:24 AM
Thursday, March 02, 2006
翻著我們的照片想念若隱若現
去年的冬天
我們笑得很甜
...
sigh, life's been revolving around school these days. after today i've decided that i can't do this anymore - clock 5 hours of sleep most nights the week of a deadline, liberally skip lectures, fall asleep in those i go to, cancel shopping plans on my free day and spend it doing work, not do studying or readings of any sort. after a marathon project meeting that ended at 7ish in the evening i realize that i'm very exhausted when i've been forcing myself to look energetic and cheery. haven't been in the mood, or had the patience, to make chatter, and find myself increasingly short fused.
achey all over right now, every night's a blur of typing away on my laptop till late at night, days go by fast as i doze off in nearly every lecture and go for long draggy meetings. tomorrow i am declaring a self-imposed off day and attempt to book a massage/facial and go for some long overdue retail therapy. though being cooped up trying to do schoolwork has increased my propensity to shop online. i would like also to get an undisturbed 8 hours of sleep.
i'm doing 6 modules this semester, entirely by choice. it is manageable, but things get crazy when you get like 2-3 deadlines a week. but i guess, after the 2 quizzes we've had so far i need to study much harder.
gabriel reminded me that the a level results were out yesterday. a year ago i was "devastated" at coming so close but not getting 4 'A's. in retrospect it doesn't mean much to me anymore. i studied hard because i wanted to do well, get good grades and a scholarship, and because i enjoyed subjects like history and lit. primarily, i was upset because i knew i didn't have a chance at a scholarship and i didn't wanna stay here. now that i know better, results aren't everything, they don't measure a person's worth, and university pretty much levels everyone out.
some downtime is good.
rachel at 10:51 PM