Monday, October 31, 2005
blahblahblahStudy break feels like a holiday. I get to have my 8 hours of sleep. With the weather this hot, my sinus in overdrive and so many distractions at home, today wasn't very productive. Gilmore Girls, the laptop, fashion magazines, tinkering with the mobile, stuffing myself with ghirardellis and jam biscuits.
Sure I did the whole reading lecture notes thing but my heart wasn't in it. It doesn't help that this is university and we're expected to read extra.
Come to think of it, I haven't sat for exams in a year. The old me would be freaking out by now if it were one week to the exams and I haven't really studied. Right now I feel like I know very little. Exams are such a bitch, really.
I am in need of a haircut - the layers need updating, and my skin is going crazy again plus I can't stop eating junk food. That last one, however, always puts me in the mood to hit the books.
Everything else can wait, I suppose. One of the few times this year I'm getting my priorities straight.
rachel at 11:57 PM
Sunday, October 30, 2005
shambles"If there are any Man U fans mourning their loss, my office is open," said Father at church today before giving the final blessing.
"Maybe his prayer not powerful enough," suggested Dad.
Hrrmph yeah, don't remind me. An absolute sham of a game, totally uncharacteristic of the team and totally humiliating. During the first half I was all "come on!" and "use your brain!" and at the end of it I felt bewildered.
I don't think it's because the players were smug or complacent, they knew they had to win this one. Perhaps they weren't used to having so many frequent changes in the lineup, or playing in a 4-3-3 formation. Perhaps certain players ought to be dropped for displaying utter idiocy not just in this match but in others too. Hmm...I wonder who that could be! Seriously though, the attack needs to start firing the defence needs to be more airtight and the midfield needs to be more organized. The whole darn team needs to be more cohesive, start believing in themselves and work on their brain-eye-feet coordination.
If I were the Man U players, I wouldn't want to be near a hairdryer right now.
rachel at 11:32 PM
Saturday, October 29, 2005
what a dragHokay I haven't exactly been journalling even though there have been things to write about and pictures to post, and it's all due to feeling so darn shagged. Coming home was such a comfort but as usual I was distracted and just wanted to laze around.
9 days to exams, and I'm still trying to figure things out. Also, it's gonna be November pretty soon...double damn. Like, what have I been doing? In terms of productivity, not much, in terms of having fun, lots. *grumbles* I wanted to have the best of both worlds.
Am supremely bored studying, and the man u game is so late! Oh well, I figured I should just study my ass off this week, pile up on cookies/chocolates/coffees and when it's over I can just chillax as much as I want. The usual game plan, with no emotional drama in the wings, I hope.
rachel at 11:07 PM
Monday, October 24, 2005
hmphing away...Suffice to say it was another Monday gone wrong.
But, and this is in thanks to those who listened, and a hot shower, I am in better spirits.
A thick pile of notes sits on my table now. I must start studying today.
The weekend was heaps of fun, and gastronomically satisfying. I barely got any work done.
Saturday
-grocery shopping with Fly and then cooking cream of mushroom soup from scratch followed by farfelle with chicken and mushrooms in a cream sauce
-marathon Chinese dinner at the Conrad (grandmother's birthday)
-Man U drew...can't concentrate after that
Sunday
-went shopping the whole afternoon with the parentals after church
-Introduced them to the gelato at Venezia...I miss Sixth Avenue! It houses most of my favourite dining places.
-Fettucine for dinner, which I haven't eaten in awhile. So much good food makes up for school food
OK I'm snapping back to the reality of school and the fact that exams are in 2 weeks and I haven't started.
So this is where I stop my rambling + online window shopping + loving the leisurely life and head off in the direction of more intellectual pursuits.
rachel at 10:33 PM
Thursday, October 20, 2005
quotable quotes"One of the curious things about CENSORSHIP is that no one seems to want it for himself. We want CENSORSHIP to protect someone else: the young, the unstable, the suggestible, the stupid. I have never heard of anyone who wanted a film banned because otherwise he might see it and be harmed."- Edgar Dale, US educationist (1900-)
"Love has got complicated, tied up with promises, bruised with plans, dogged with an ending that nobody wants - when all love is, is what it always is - that you look at me and want me and I don't turn away. If I want to say no, I will, but for the right reasons. If I want to say yes, I will, but for the right reasons. Leave the consequences. Leave the finale. Leave the grand statements. This simplicity of feeling should not be taxed."-Jeanette Winterson, The Powerbook
"I don't believe in God as a kind father in the sky. I don't believe that the meek will inherit the earth: The meek get ignored and trampled. They decompose in the bloody soil of war, of business, of art, and they rot into the warm ground under the spring rains. It is the bold, the loud-mouthed, the cruel, the vital, the revolutionaries, the mighty in arms and will, who march over the soft patient flesh that lies beneath their cleated boots."-Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
"But was it really like that? As painful as I remember? Only mildly. Or rather, it was a productive and fructifying pain. Love, thick and dark as Alaga syrup, eased up into that cracked window. I could smell it -- taste it -- sweet, musty, with an edge of wintergreen in its base -- everywhere in that house. It stuck, along with my tongue, to the frosted windowpanes. It coated my chest, along with the salve, and when the flannel came undone in my sleep, the clear, sharp curves of air outlined its presence on my throat. And in the night, when my coughing was dry and tough, feet padded into the room, hands repinned the flannel, readjusted the quilt, and rested a moment on my forehead. So when I think of autumn, I think of somebody with hands who does not want me to die."- Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye
"I am alone. Alone here and alone in the world. Alone in my heart and alone in my mind. Alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as I can remember. Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a room full of people. Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet blackness. I am alone in my horror. Alone in my horror.
I don't want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call, I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with, I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams, I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. I hate that what I've turned to in my loneliness lives in a pipe or a bottle. I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness is killing me, has already killed me, or will kill me soon. I hate that I will die alone. I will die alone in my horror.
More than anything, all I've ever wanted was to be close to someone."-James Frey, A Million Little Pieces
Literature never ceases to amaze me with its multifaceted nature. The beauty of it is that nothing is absolute, and that means there are no boundaries. Sometimes I think, what if I had taken the scholarship, and majored in English literature, and everyday would be full of philosophical revelations, waxing lyrical, inspired and fervent writing and thumbing through literary classics. That would be so lovely it wouldn't even feel like going to school because it's my kinda thing! Back in JC I loved 'S' Paper so much and I loved not having a reading list that I went on a reading spree...Margaret Atwood, Maxine Hong Kinston, Maya Angelou, and got so annoyed when all the 'S' paper questions applicable to my module were like, "use only two books". What the fuck right?
In a Rory Gilmore sort of way, I miss having heaps of books to devour, going into a tizzy everytime I spotted some gorgeous literary device that would make me want to whip out my highlighter and annotate it like mad. But, coming to university I decided I wanted to try someting new, and I thought well, it's now or never to do something I've never done before, and there will be an E Lit minor. Besides, I don't think I'm cut out to be a teacher.
Anyway, the whole point of this rambly post is that I love those quotes, but it triggered off this whole meandering thing. *shrugs*
rachel at 12:41 AM
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
whip out your highlighters and markers and annotate thisthis time around,
i think we can be just friends.
no more weird feelings,
at least on my part
no more playing mind games,
no more thinking, "should i say hi?"
no more psychoanalysing what you say and do
or don't, for what matter.
this time around,
i'm almost positive that this is for real,
that everytime i see you
my heart won't race
or do a little dance
because i've come to realise
that all this is beyond me
and i have moved on.
this time around,
i've decided to stop dreaming
and leave things as they are.
and all this has gone on
without you knowing, but that's fine.
because what matters right now
is we can be just friends
and that feeling is simply awesome.
rachel at 3:17 PM
Sunday, October 16, 2005
i thought i'd live forever, but now i'm not so sureThis is why I love watching EPL, or football, for that matter, and it's not for the guys.
It's mainly to do with how it's so unpredictable and that's what makes it so exciting. A team costing 1/10 of what Chelsea does can beat a better than average team like Newcastle. The ref gets blur and gives a red card to a Blackburn dude who tackles a Liverpool player outside the box, not before checking with the linesman twice. Arsenal loses to West Brom. [wtf?] And some virtual unknown that subs van Nistelrooy in his premiership debut scores and gets taupoked by his teammates.
Awesome stuff. The last one, I mean. I couldn't quite care about any other team as much.
So this rounds off an otherwise relaxing and fun evening which I thought would be boring since I intended to stay at home and study. But dinner plans were too good to pass up and the family trooped off to my cousins' where we tucked into some seriously amazing takeaway fish head curry and chicken rice, and this coming from me of all people makes it really something.
I figured I do need to cut myself some slack especially after this hellish week which is thankfully over. The 101 assignment is dreadful and I'm trying to get it out of the way so I can do my project and readings but bleargh I'm not near finishing it. Whatever, really, I'm not gonna stress myself out anymore.
Think in the grand scheme of things, that's my new mantra.
rachel at 12:01 AM
Friday, October 14, 2005
madness unravellingThis will be the first, I'm sure, of many 12 hour days to come. Fortunately though, it wasn't all that bad. I sure hope everything goes smoothly with the presentation tomorrow and teh ping at supper later will sooth my raspy throat. Having a heavy heart last night, I brought back a fat stack of the latest issues of some fashion mags back to hall to devour. I finished thumbing through the US and Sg Bazaar mags at 2am...and woke up 10 minutes before my project meeting. Oops. Fortunately though mostly everyone was late and thankfully we are so near done on our powerpoint and ahead of schedule too. Even had time to watch the premiere of Project Runway before 102 tut. I looove the show already! Got your typical hodgepodge of bitchy/quirky/charismatic contestants set in the glamorous backdrop of nyc...I like. I also love my 102 tut group cuz it's so much fun and craziness. And if KK's words are anything to go by we will have a party next week cuz nobody's presenting anymore!
I can't wait for Friday to be over, but I just need to get through my 106 presentation with a straight face. I can't deadpan cuz there's no vocal variety, unfortunately. Anyway here is the pooch in the room on the fifth floor where I've been holed up many times this week doing projects and eating my meals. It looks so cute but doleful...as you can tell I got really bored because my laptop was running low on battery.
HT and I spent the next two hours after dinner holed up in the freezing MAC lab trying to figure something out for our project. Apparently we remember peanuts about Dreamweaver so we had to use the notes as our dummy guide. We didn't really get far except figuring out the hyperlinks and rollovers [which we agonised over] so that's why I foresee many more late nights next week. Blech. School looks so peaceful and quiet at night...conducive for studying! :P Walking out onto the open air area on the 5th floor feels so romantic too cuz the view's just great...until you look down and see the car park, that is.
I started out today feeling so shagged and just wanting to rest my head on somebody's shoulder. I am still weary and wondering how to be in school by 9am tomorrow, but now that things are rolling along I am feeling more hyper and positive. It's gonna be another late night, but ack...don't feel like leaving my room for supper anymore.
rachel at 12:25 AM
Monday, October 10, 2005
the neverness of nearnessOnly Monday and I'm already pooped out. This is so bad for my to-do list. The weekend was sort of great, though. There was shopping with Fly on Saturday but unfortunately there was nothing worth buying, and yesterday I went for the Journey of Faith exhibition [the one with relics from the Vatican] and more shopping with the parentals. I managed to catch up on The OC too, and weirdly enough I managed to finish my 102 paper! C:
I know what I want, and I know what I have to do. Letting go is the hardest part. It's not because its good for me, it is, but because it's time to stop dwelling on what I can't have, stop being trapped in this cycle, stop having false hopes and fluffy dreams. I have so much more, why settle for anything less? The answer to this, I know not, I don't even know what I'm gonna do. Each time I thought this was done and over with, something else had to happen. This time round, I need some major perception changing. Well, just as long as this isn't another half-baked effort.
"[And] then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."
Life After God, Douglas Copland
Hrmpph, how to work like that, and it's not even a legitimate excuse not to.
rachel at 11:20 PM