Tuesday, January 31, 2006
inspiration strikes at the oddest times. by the time i reach home to type it out, the linear fashion of the words no longer seem appealing. the feelings evoked not quite so poignant.so many ways to describe one simple emotion. so many thoughts can emanate from a single entity. and yet, all these remain nothing but air, swirling around in my head, swelling up in my heart. language cannot grasp all these.
it doesn't even feel mondayish to me. the 2nd day of chinese new year was heaps of fun. big hearty meals, the requisite new year goodies and endless rounds of gambling with the family till 12+am. am on a lucky winning streak this year and i'm a contented chica.
right now, away from the animated chatter, clinking of mahjong tiles, dealing of cards and the general wave of excitement, i am grateful for the silence. the muscles are aching and alcohol and coffee has no effect on me. tonight my mind will not wonder, it's just good to feel blessed and to live in the moment.
rachel at 1:03 AM
Sunday, January 29, 2006
in light of the cny hols and with some free time to spare before meeting someone, i dropped by the central library and ended up with a whole load of mostly new books. 7 in total, mostly hardcover, and i still had to take public transport home. my mother thought i was nuts. maybe i am, but you know, in case i get bored while visiting and besides, i have alot of books on my to-read list. plus there won't be any newspapers tomorrow and there's nothing much on tv.first day of cny over, quite relieved actually. it was tiring too and i was grateful that we got back before dinner so i could get some shut-eye. i lost my appetite earlier so now i'm making up for all that by eating too much cadbury and toffees.
after being sooo caught up with thoughts of seeing alex kapranos and the gallagher brothers live - enough to drive me into a tizzy, i didn't realize corrinne may was coming to singapore. but now that my tizzy has gone down and, as much as i love franz ferdinand and oasis, frankly i want to watch corrinne may more. as usual, tickets for her show are all sold out. there's the possibility of a 2nd show but i am gonna try wrangling some complimentary tickets tomorrow. complimentary tickets for the above 2 bands would be nice too, but i would be sent into an even greater tizzy if greenday or coldplay were to come. i think i liked oasis better from previous albums.
okay this is the last raving about the aussie open. saved the best for last, martina hingis won the mixed doubles title! C:
rachel at 11:42 PM
everyone's probably done with their reunion dinners now...we had ours during lunch. i don't think it's extra special for my family since we see each other alotlotlot. the thing that really gets me is the spring cleaning. it's like the precursor of the mother of all allergy attacks. i ended up putting everything away so my table doesn't look cluttered but i know that all this is temporary so my mom [who thinks everything belongs somewhere and has to be put away] won't nag.been sleeping alot lately, 9 hours each night and long afternoon naps. a sign that i'm not feeling too good i s'pose. and i've been eating alot too. the scent of kueh lapis, pineapple tarts, chocolate chip and walnut cake...or whatever's baking in the oven at night just makes me hungry. and the goods fresh from the oven is da bomb - i keep on going back for more. so the past two days at the nascent signs that a sore throat is imminent i've been attempting to keep away from the sinful stuff so i can go crazy when i go visiting.
i was so disappointed with the women's finals of the australian open. poor henin-hardenne, she's been playing so well throughout this tournament and now she's gotta take all that bullcrap of how she didn't try hard enough and pulled out without finishing the match. i bet criticism wouldn't be this strong if it wasn't the finals of a grand slam.
hingis is in the mixed doubles finals! :):)
splurged on this darling of a hobo yesterday, it's totally rad and i lurve the buttery soft leather. stylish and functional, totally justifies the price.
aye, i love the hols! happy chinese new year everyone;)
rachel at 12:19 AM
Friday, January 27, 2006
i am so awake right now, the most lucid i've been today. i slept during my first two lectures again. surprisingly i was attentive during english even though the first half was a repetition of boring how-to-use-the-OPAC and what-does-it-stand-for. but the prof was so much more straight to the point when he showed us how to look for journal articles instead of taking us on some circuitous trip a la 816 last friday. then we read don juan which i found amusing.and he cancelled tutorial too!! cuz he wanted us to think about our 2 reaction papers which are due...in march. hehe, well he hopes we can turn in a draft in 2 weeks or so but i never thought about it this afternoon cuz i was so shagged. i didn't nap till 6 though, and only woke up for dinner at 8ish.
just in time to watch the last few points of the semifinal between nalbandian and baghdatis. i think it's just amazing how someone can be 2 sets down and not feel psychologically tormented and come back to win the match. and even more amazing that he just turned professional recently.
well, no more martina mania i guess. she's playing in the mixed doubles semis though, defeated better ranked pairs like the 2nd and 8th seeds. q-finals is respectable for someone returning after a 3-year absence. i was totally amazed by how kim clijsters, who has been struggling with injury, could hit such powerful shots and engage in those baseline rallies. it's such a pity she twisted her foot in the semis - i love all belgian finals. i'm hoping henin-hardenne wins the women's title.
been having headaches lately - bad sign. think i've been running around too much, got too much on my plate or something, and doing too much for other people. i stopped and thought, i've been trying to not fall into the same pattern of being busy and tired that i don't end up doing what i want. isn't living about wanting, which gives you purpose to do things?
rachel at 12:13 AM
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
sigh, feeling very emo right now. i need some rest, some comfort food, and it just so happens that tomorrow's my free day, so i get some downtime too. i'm not gonna cry or get angry - i'll think things through calmly. in a way i'm glad i've learnt to be more rational because i suppose i'd be a perpetual wreck if i gave in to my heart all the time. well, it's the direct cause of my current malaise so i'm working on being less impulsive.…What is my life for and what am I going to do with it? I don't know and I'm afraid. I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited. Yet I am not a cretin: lame, blind and stupid. I am not a veteran, passing my legless, armless days in a wheelchair. I am not that mongoloidish old man shuffling out of gates of the mental hospital. I have too much to live for, yet unaccountably I am sick and sad. Perhaps you could trace my feeling back to my distaste at having to choose between alternatives. Perhaps that's why I want to be everyone - so no one can blame me for being I. So I won't have to take the responsibility for my own character development and philosophy. People are happy - - - if that means being content with your lot: feeling comfortable as the complacent round peg struggling in a round hole, with no awkward or painful edges – no space to wonder or question in. I am not content, because my lot is limiting, as are all others. People specialize; people become devoted to an idea; people "find themselves." But the very content that comes from finding yourself is over-shadowed by the knowledge that by doing so you are admitting you are not only a grotesque, but a special kind of grotesque. -The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, July 1950- July 1953
rachel at 10:47 PM
Monday, January 23, 2006
inkheartsoh yes, monday is finally over:) falling asleep in the first lecture and wondering how i'm gonna make it. copying down notes so i won't fall asleep. fly also flew north today - he's going seoul shopping for a sassy girl. i'm stuck here thinking of shoe shopping in shibuya. :/ and as if i'm not envious enough, he's going to a ski resort for the next 2 days. bahs i am craving for skis too and i wanna learn to snowboard. i <3 adrenaline rushes.
i've been watching lots of the australian open. hingis has been lovely on the court, fluid motions and all. hopefully, she can pull it off against kim clijsters. but even if she doesn't, it's been an amazing comeback to progress this far into the tournament.
last night's man utd vs liverpool match was blah. at least now we know that rio ferdinand, for all his bungling and fumbling as a defender, has other hidden talents.
things will get progressively better once i move beyond monday since the bulk of tutorials are over. some of the deadlines given to us for projects are seriously screwed up.
i am learning how to be organized [again], how to keep my spirits up when everything's down in the dumps, how to sleep and wake up on time, and how not to cave in and start thinking of you.
rachel at 10:20 PM
Saturday, January 21, 2006
You scored as Journalism. You are an aspiring journalist, and you should major in journalism! Like me, you are passionate about writing and expressing yourself, and you want the world to understand your beliefs through writing.
What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com |
i got this off karen. as usual, there was a tiebreaker between english and journalism. like when, 6-7 months ago i was deciding between english and communication studies. the dance bit is kinda off ... i enjoy dancing but not in the serious art form kinda sense
rachel at 12:03 AM
Thursday, January 19, 2006
it got really uncomfortable when arsenal started playing on home ground.for starters, i experienced awful cramps in lecture this morning. i just sat there gritting my teeth swearing in my head and getting annoyed with the lecturers for rambling again. after 2 lectures all i wanted was to go home and curl up in bed. however i would feel really bad if i skipped my english lit lecture and tutorial, but in the half an hour break i had before the lecture i went to canteen A to get hot tea and somehow it didn't hurt so bad after that.
i also managed to get through the tutorial. though i really want to speak up in class. it's just, i've been out of touch with lit now and well i was just thinking that i could say something dumb or d'oh and the prof would stare at me like some freak and banish me back to comm studies. well that is unlikely to happen but i feel like it's getting more difficult interpreting things in a literary way and i tend to scratch the surface. i'd like to see the nuances without someone else having to point it out to me.
right, martina hingis had an easy second round win and the path to the quarters is free of seeded players! now i'm really hoping she can get there.
because of the lleyton hewitt match the hingis match was shown later. for some obscure reason i can't think of, i used to really like lleyton hewitt when i was younger. i think it was during the time when they still had the heineken open in singapore [ if anybody remembers. ], and he came here one year. i never liked the ponytail, or that he tends to favour high percentage points, so i guess it must be his fighting spirit and his infamous "come-ons". i still do support him anyhows. but, point is, he got a major beating today. :(
rachel at 11:57 PM
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Martina Hingis made a dramatic comeback in style [on the Rod Laver arena, no less] with an emphatic win in the first round of the Australian Open. Displaying the poise and precision that took her to the top of the game years ago, she also showed off some powerful groundstrokes. At the age of 25, no longer is she the impatient and petulant teenager [remember the French Open final against Steffi Graf?]. I think that now, with her maturity, comes a deeper appreciation of the game. It'd be great to see her go far, but that's a long shot given her lack of match experience. I don't think she'll flop miserably in her comeback - I think she'll perform respectably and hold her own against higher-ranked players.Hingis retired during the era of the power hitters. That was just boring to watch. Then came the Belgians, and I started watching again, then came the Russians, nah, then there was Sharapova. I'd love to see them both play. Around the age of 11 onwards I started being serious about tennis and Martina was just amazing to watch on the court. While she may appear to have a lack of power, she makes up for it with her mind. It's the way she strategizes and then executes that puts her a level above others. Right now, another player who's like that and whom I admire too would be Justine Henin-Hardenne.
If I'd it my way I'd be skipping classes to stay at home and watch the Aussie Open. hehe. The only drawback to this year's Open is that so many players are not 100% fit - they're ailing some way or the other, and the field has been depleted by withdrawls of top names like Nadal. :/
rachel at 9:57 PM
Saturday, January 14, 2006
sigh i think we can all safely say that the premiership race is over. watching the derby tonight was painful. then there's the australian open next week to look forward to but alotta top players are injured:(i made miso soup for the first time tonight, we had my favourite salmon teriyaki again, and my mom baked japanese cheesecake. ohhhh yumm.
and i like it that it's starting to get sunny. the dreary weather was kinda depressing.
i think i've been rejecting the whole idea of school this year because i don't want to fall into everyday mundanity and routine. i don't want to become that same flustered person with frazzled nerves and a hectic schedule whose life revolves pretty much around school. i don't want to go back to that normalcy. at least now that i no longer live in hall it wouldn't quite be like that anymore.
it's so easy to forget the special moments that have happened away from school, the things we're passionate about and the people in our lives that are important to us but whom we neglect nonetheless. i don't want year after year to go by and think that someday this will change.
the second week of school is over already, high time to stop being in denial. though i am still bored in practically every class - thanks to them cores. i know everything will start falling into place soon, i just gotta give it time and not dwell on the unhappy stuff.
more internet purchases have arrived! i must say it feels good to receive them in the mail or to sign for those packages. hahaha.
and now it's time for cheesecake and milk! i've been fixing myself supper alot lately. that's way too much ice-cream and today i discovered where the missing chocolates went to - my mom has been hiding them in between the vegetables!
rachel at 10:44 PM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
brrr-ito. i can't believe how cold it's been, but bundling up has been fun. waking up early in the morning and trudging to school - not. given my chronologically challenged attention span, i have a tendency to doze off. i went for my first english literature lecture this afternoon, having missed last week's introductory one. managing (or rather, juggling would be more apt) 6 modules isn't as easy despite my 4-day week, and i find my willpower waning much more than i'd usually allow. (especially since other friends end 4 hours earlier!)i often wonder why i do things that don't make me happy but for the sake of not offending someone else/upsetting a relationship/making someone happy. it has caused me so much resentment as can be seen from earlier posts. and even then i'm a really stubborn person by nature so this behavior of mine is baffling.
i've always tried, but disappointed, and being accused of not making any effort, and worse still, being selfish, frustrates me to no end. i don't need to proclaim what i've done or do special things for the sake (and sentiment) of the occasion when in my heart i mean good. discussions always end up in frustrating debates in which i'm always wrong and i don't know shit.
and yes, i'm new to alot of things. but just because i don't know my way around doesn't give anyone else the right to decide for me, to tell me which path to take. i value constructive advice, not absolute decisions as to what i should do or how i should do something. making mistakes is only natural and part of the whole process. yet there are people in my life who can't seem to forgive and forget, it's like they're perpetually stuck in a rut and bent on obsessing over something that's already in the past, it's so pathetic, really.
all of the above aren't ways in which we're really living our lives. and many don't see that till it's too late. the way i see it, everyone's just focused on getting what they want they don't care about what's around them. and even if they claim to want the best for other people ultimately it's not their life.
i've always believed (but never quite managed to) and have always been told not to care about what others think of me or say about me as long as i know the truth and i have a clear conscience. even if i were to try telling my side of the story [honestly] most people already have preconceived notions and would rather readily believe what shit their friends feed them.
and while it'd be safe to conclude that it is a fucked up world we live in and that people are inherently evil i know that there's so much more. like what we learnt during lit today [and one reason why i love lit so much is that it tells us so much about humanity, as opposed to dull and dry communications research, ack] is that with experience [meaning as we grow], we'd naturally become more cynical. an idea courtesy of william blake.
now i find myself being pseudo-enthusiastic about things when in reality i feel like i've lost all drive to do well and prove my worth. everything has become so overwhelming i can't articulate myself, stumble over my words and am incapable of asserting myself without getting so annoyed i cave into petulance.
this isn't who i am. normally, anyway.
in spite of all this, eventually i know what i want is definitely worth fighting for even if it means souring a relationship. ultimately it's our own happiness that we're in charge of and i wouldn't have it any other way. there comes a time when all that emotional baggage has to go, really. i have so much to give and share, and i've got many blessings and saving graces in my life, it's all a matter of rising above the circumstances and looking at the big picture.
rachel at 10:28 PM
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
shoptalkIn my past few posts I have been sounding rather blech. I can't stay this way forever and I don't intend to. I guess my mistake was trying to please everyone at the expense of my own happiness, and well, letting bitchy people get to me.
Anyway, on a happier note... [warning: girly post ahead!]
Mine! It's a customised design that Bel did for me. I wanted something like this, I gave her a detailed description of it and tada, she came up with a gorgeous creation that exceeded what I'd previously imagined. I love getting my stuff custom-made. Can't even rmb the last time I bought accessories from a store:)
These came in the mail today. More like, they landed up in my neighbour's mailbox. [I was starting to fret!] My new earrings from Tzarist.com - do check out their offerings!
My latest fascination - Taiwan Auctions. Because, well, everything's in Chinese! Hehe. And everything's really affordable, even their bags, shoes and clothes but I'm not sure about the quality. I've only gotten accessories off the Maple Syrup site cuz it's reliable. Sooo I'm waiting for more of my purchases to arrive.
The thing is, I don't quite remember my last offline purchase, but it doesn't matter cuz I'm getting some good deals and great finds and erm yes I'm actually tired of traipsing ard town.
I'm quite taken by these...[they have very fetching prices too]
Cuz it's Marc Jacobs!
Bug-eyed Dior Glossy
Appropriately in pink - Juicy Couture
Yayness. Nothing like some sweet online [window] shopping and not having to think of anything serious. Come to think of it things aren't that horrible after all and it'll be all good after awhile. Right now I just need to stop thinking so much.
rachel at 11:14 PM
Monday, January 09, 2006
the looking glassMondays are notorious for starting school early and ending late and today was the first time I experienced my new timetable proper. I didn't even get to lunch cuz of meetings though I did have snacks with me. I'm thoroughly spent now. I just felt like I was drifting through everything, a casual expressionless observer of what's going on around me and not having my heart in it. I've got my notes in front of me, my pen poised, ready to scribble whatever noteworthy stuff there is, but I'm not there. Everything feels strange and mismatched. The only thing keeping me sane would be being around my friends, and that's most comforting. Apart from hot tea on a fricking cold and wet day.
Then I come home and everything's warm and lovely. Watching tv with my family, with theprerequisite pie and ice-cream. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it makes me want to snuggle under the comforter, read a book or magazine, instead of trooping around school and seeing similarly deflated faces. I'm just not one for conversing right now.
So tomorrow's a public holiday and Wednesday was supposed to be a "holiday" but now it's become the obvious choice of day for holding make up tutorials and any other random events. Eeew. And I thought I would have wonderful days off to do random things on a whim.
I realize I've been rather self-absorbed lately. I can't help but feel like I've crawled into this shell to protect myself from the selfishness of other people whom I've tried numerous times to please and make happy but which they don't see. And now, how does it make me different from them.
rachel at 11:26 PM
Sunday, January 08, 2006
ovenfreshThus concludes 2 hours of baking. It was tiring and a bit frustrating, but fun. Measuring the ingredients, mixing them together with my hands (an icky process) and tada, soft and smooth filo pastry. Then the rolling, cookie-cuttering and spooning the filling. And 20 minutes later, freshly baked crumbly sweetness, ohhlala.
Grrr it rained all day and I was out for the most part. Means I need new shoes (ballet flats!). I also cleared out 5 bags of stuff from cleaning part of my room. It's awfully therapeutic and I actually wanted to stay at home this weekend and just do that. Well, ha to that. Short week ahead (and equally short sentences) = C:
rachel at 10:57 PM
Saturday, January 07, 2006
panfriedDinner tonight was prepared by yours truly. Mom's not in sg, my bro's gone to stay at my cousins', so it's just dad and me. Since he's been so tired out from work lately I thought I'd do all the cooking, after all he did say he'd eat whatever I cooked.
So armed with a cooking magazine I made breaded pork cutlets. Then I made my usual omelette and threw in chicken sausage, shitake mushrooms and mozarella cheese. My dad chopped up some japanese cucumbers to balance out the meal and the heatiness. And it was all good. :)
I love cooking. The chopping/slicing/dicing, the meticulous measuring with measuring spoons and cups, the rich aromas that fill the kitchen (like curry!), the sound of onions and garlic hissing in the pan, watching raw pinks turn to golden browns and sometimes, plain experimenting with food.
My wisdom tooth is freaking hurting again!! It's like a sporadic thing, I'm just wondering when this will stop.
Tomorrow: [my favourite of all] baking!
rachel at 11:14 PM
Friday, January 06, 2006
blah blahThe audition today was horrible, but I'm not gonna dwell on it. I went shopping after and it could have been disastrous - I tend to be more impulsive when I'm in a bad mood. Saw so many nice bags at Esprit and Nike, but I've ehh for now I've decided that self-restraint is very much in order.
Especially after feeling the pinch of a purchase last month that wasn't even pricey to begin with. It was the fricking shipping costs and US sales tax that totaled 2/3s of the price of my item! I got something from Benefit at the sephora store via amazon cuz if you go to sephora alone they don't accept international credit cards. So third-person shipping costs and sales tax were chalked up. Lesson learnt. :(
I cheered myself up with Bakerzin's lemon tart (addicted!) and the OC.
Then I decided to start seriously cleaning out my room. So far, it's good. I can't believe the incredible amount of things I have that I do not use. I cleared out 2 drawers today and what I kept was half of what was originally there. I also found some nice stuff like $$ and a pretty choker mom got for me in bangkok.
I've decided to be boring this weekend, stay at home [mostly] and clean up the rest of my room.
rachel at 11:52 PM
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
It's pouring outside.I'm sitting in my room wallowing, hoping that the way I'm feeling right now is just the first week of school blues or pms. But deep down I think this disenchantment, grouchiness and unhappiness doesn't really have to do with school.
Some things are hard to let go of. After awhile of not thinking about it you think you've forgotten about it when you haven't, really. Pushing it to the recesses of your mind doesn't necessarily guarantee that you've gotten past it.
rachel at 4:50 PM
Monday, January 02, 2006
Argh/Groan/SighThere can only be one cause of my current state of "anguish" - school starts tomorrow.
Buggerf***shit!
All I remember was that the past one and a half months was so relaxing and yeah I am very well-rested and happy.
Back to the daily grind of school - mostly mind-numbingly boring lectures, late nights, cramming for tests/exams, rushing to meet project deadlines, rushing to class, and getting lost in the concrete jungle.
And most importantly this all takes place in the tres unchic unhappening boondocks of Sg.
There are 3 of us in the family who are feeling quite bummed out - my bro and I and my dad, who works in a school.
Only consolations being it's not a long day and I can't wait to catch up with my uni friends.
rachel at 9:41 PM