Saturday, July 30, 2005
my net is back!I miss my dear old computer, and it feels good to be using it again. It's been a cold sniffly dreary day characterised by rain, restlessness and bumming around attempting to study. [for music, not yet for school] Speaking of school, there's a meaty stack of notes waiting to be thumbed through that cost a hefty $26, ouch. Textbooks to be bought, new theories to be confounded by, more ice to be broken, hopefully. It's so hard to have to start thinking hard again after 7 months of not doing so, to fit into new routines and to start feeling comfortable again. There are so many things going on it's crazy, my school e-mail was so flooded. But that's a good sign, it means things won't be boring! Anyway I should get off this thing and be focused...I've already distracted myself being fascinated by the gore and swashbuckling moves of Kill Bill Vol. 2.
rachel at 10:13 PM
Thursday, July 28, 2005
baby stepsIn a nutshell, I still have no Net connection on my computer and I'm cranky about it. I can only do non-webbie stuff like watch Love Actually and listen to mp3s. :/ Two loverly long days of no school is great. I feel so relaxed having the luxury of time to do what I want. Yesterday was music lesson, followed by a trip to town to buy some music books and umm typically got distracted. I stepped into Mango and the new collection has some good stuff. I liked everything I tried on but decided to buy what I need and pared it down to a white viscose v-neck and a white cardi. I used to dislike wearing white because I hated the way white stuff looked when they got dirty. I also went into On Pedder and got excited over seeing the latest It Bag from Mulberry, the Tooled Bayswater. It costs a cool 2000+ and I freaked out. It's utter gorgeousity. I also discovered a new secret clothes shop near the secret shoe shop that imports mostly cult British brands like Whistles. They've also got Seven for All Mankind, yum. The secret shoe shop sells pretty shoes and bags imported from Italy, plus their own in-house range that is not bad either. I've only brought one friend there so far, 3 years ago, and she remarked that it was really secret. Coincidentally it was also when I wanted to buy music books. So, go shopping with me and I'll take you there. ;)
Tennis was great, I haven't played in a long while and surprisingly I'm not rusty. Though I'm rather stagnant, sometimes making me more of a spectator. Well because I was watching my dad and brother volley and basically I'm not very good at that. But I am going for shots more and hitting better and thinking more instead of hitting wildly because I wasn't prepared.
Today I was in a really good mood that time passed by so fast. I made many cups of honey lemon water and chilled them because my throat's a bit dry. I love citrus fruits, the juice, the vibrant colours, but not eating the fruit itself. Innit weird! Been studying, well, more of skimming but I am learning something new everyday, basically how ignorant I've been. I keep on getting distracted, always turning to cable/the computer/magazines, but yeah, I'd do anything but study just when I really need to. Such a bummer.
And Google Earth has got me fascinated. Can't find my house, but got as far as Jurong Lake, lol.
rachel at 11:32 PM
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
get toastyBrrr, I'm cold and my computer can't connect to the Internet even though it claims that there is a connection [I'm using the other com now]. So okay, since then school has started and frankly speaking there's been nothing special so far except, oh, I miss the other school, as in my former workplace. One of the principals got me a Victoria's Secret fragrance from their recent trip to the States - it's a sweet pear scent. I liked working there but I don't know if I could, in the long run, hold down a real office job. It's like having your world constrict to that space you share with others you may not necessarily like and having to successfully flit between the professional and personal boundaries. Then there's the work you'd get, cycles repeating themselves but not so much for a school I guess. Anyway back to my present school, things are slack right now only because it's the first week.
Yesterday's freshman welcome ceremony was blah, speeches and wearing academic gown + waving light sticks [supposedly to signify emerging from the darkness into light and marking a new phase in our lives, lol] + CCA fair but thankfully it was short. An added bonus was meeting Fly for lunch. Today there was only one lecture and it took about half an hour since it was merely an introduction. Geez. I didn't know what to do with myself, but went on home since I'd gotten my matric card earlier. The best thing: having the next 2 days off! *beams* Early piano lesson + I will allow myself to shop until lunchtime before coming home to mug for my music exam! Huzzah. I only hope that it doesn't rain again tomorrow, I hate mucking about when it pours.
rachel at 10:38 PM
Sunday, July 24, 2005
kiss the rain+2 new pairs of earrings
+Long overdue check
+Chasing Liberty
+Tour de France [I did feel bad for Rasmussen though]
+Tokenstyle.com + Chearrings.com
+New DVD rental shop nearby my place
-Mysterious cough that's been bugging me for awhile now
-Sneezing lots today
-Fringe keeps on getting in my way
I don't feel like doing anything productive right now, which is so bad. I just want to watch TV, read books and magazines, compulsively [window] shop online, sleep whenever I feel like it and eat like a pig. I am glad for 2 days off from school next week because of school holidays! (:
rachel at 12:03 AM
Friday, July 22, 2005
she drew heartsUmm I need to stop being so self-deprecating. But, this does hold truth. Ever since school stopped, I've become clumsy, messy, absent-minded, everything I never once was. In short, I've lost all discipline. Yet, that liberation is a lovely feeling but I will be sort of getting my act together, soon. Trust me, I've done enough of silly things to know. ;)
My my, it's Friday already. I thought I'd get to relax this week but apparently not. Yesterday was a visit back to the sports desk, which has been moved to that wide open area where the interns were dumped. Aka my place when I was at the newsdesk. The cosy corner is so much better. And today was school, a confusing talk followed by picking up of hostel keys followed by mad rush to piano class. And because this doesn't belong to the above, the evening ended with a meeting with Fly.
I'm so glad to have friends who know what I'm feeling without me having to say it out. When I don't even wanna admit it to myself. It makes me feel even worse. For those who know me well enough to understand/know what I'm going through I'm really grateful for the advice.
Lovely bags are aplenty now, and with hefty price tags too. :/ Chloe Paddington, the apple-green Luella Kelsey, Bottega Veneta's Veneta (!!! love their hobo style right now) and of course, Marc Jacobs. I love the Veneta lots, for its buttery soft leather and grommets, especially after carrying it at the boutique. Sighhh, oh so pretty.
Mmmph having trouble staying awake. I need to stop pushing work to the next day to the next next next. I want uninterrupted sleep long shopping sprees going somewhere faraway yoga in a garden not doing anything at all.
rachel at 10:38 PM
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
she's got issuesI cannot be around disparaging people right now. My self-consciousness is at an almost all-time high, my self-esteem an all-time low. OK, maybe it's not that bad, but I just feel vulnerable.
The weather held up today. I cannot stop listening to Mr Brightside by The Killers. This morning I couldn't wait to matriculate, just to get it outta my hair. Well, had a crappy timetable, one of the perils that comes with being a freshie, I suppose. Monday's pretty much a full load, Wednesday's a plain bitch. Class from 8.30am-10am, and then a lecture at 4.30pm! Oh this is just peachy. Everyone should stop giving me a queer look already when I say I'm not psyched about school. I wish the hols would stretch on a bit more.
This afternoon was spent "trekking" with Melanie. From Orchard to Bugis and then to the Esplanade, that is. Imagine me when I found out we were not travelling by MRT. Time passed fast cuz we talked all the way. Sat down for some of the popular goreng pisang upon arriving at Bugis, which I haven't been to for ages, that place is perpetually crowded. Then on the way to the Esplanade we walked through the new National Library. Huuuge building but doesn't look like it's filled with books. More of glass windows, big spaces and architectural ideas. Um. I'm not good with describing. It opens this Friday, finally. Stopped by Ah Teng's Bakery at the Raffles Hotel, and amidst oohing and aahing at the pretty cakes and pastries, and dithering over whether to have hi-tea or da pao, I realised that it wouldn't be the same again after selling the hotel to foreigners, no matter what they promised. The Esplanade, or rather the Esplanade Park, was fun. The photo-taking [must have the boat in the background ah!] and the unmentionable activity aside, I love that place. As Mel pointed out, it's not just the romantic aspect [that apparently I keep on harping on!], it's a place to go if you want some quiet + inspiration. And sitting there listening to the lapping of the waves and looking into the distance is very therapeutic indeed. Unfortunately a wave of tourists has descended unto the once quiet stretch, it being the summer months, so it's a bit noisier. I especially like it at night, with the night breeze and the bright lights and the general atmosphere. Plus it holds lotsa special memories for me.
Hmph it's midweek already I am getting stressed and cranky. It's the thought of having to start anew. Lately there've been so many new beginnings I'm tired of them all, thank goodness for constants, support groups and such, that I can take comfort and find strength in.
rachel at 11:04 PM
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
the wastelandIt rained so so much today I got cranky after awhile. Dressed up + stepped out with the intention of hitting town before my music class, but when I saw the grey skies and wet pavement I walked home and lazed around till about lunch. It looked better then, but only for awhile. I changed my mind and decided to go to Holland V, one of my fave fave places to be. It poooured and the good thing about that is, Gelare was nearly empty. Free of noisy students! Well I was the only customer inside at one point. Glorious! Best seat in the house, watching MTV, happily chowing down waffles and ice-cream. Then I traipsed down to the other side of Holland V, to Chip Bee Gardens. Destination: Da Paolo's Gastronomia. Mmm. That place is a gourmet lover's heaven or even anyone looking for a good quality meal that's easy to prepare. Neatly stacked packs of cookies, finger food, boxes of different kinds of ready-made-and-to-go cakes/desserts, sauces, salads, breads, pizzas and home-made pasta. Mmm. I ended up with a box of their gorgeous chocolate-covered profiteroles with white rosettes that are sitting pretty in my fridge. By the time I got home the chocolate was starting to melt and the rosettes were losing their pretty flower shapes. And I was feeling icky from it raining so badly and ruining my shoes. Exhausted, really. I hate it when people take advantage of your free time and think it's okay to make you run around and do all kinds of things, and ask pointless questions. So I'm kinda short-circuited at the moment and that's just blah. Must remember to matriculate tomorrow.
Edit: Gorgeous chocolate-covered profiteroles are filled with Valrhona chocolate. Oh yummers. And the pastry is just so fine. I will be good and eat one for now. Heaven can wait. Fly called too. Tired as I am I think I feel better already and am starting to think happy thoughts.
rachel at 10:14 PM
Monday, July 18, 2005
I was supposed to be having the time of my lifeWhile everyone else is reading Harry Potter, Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar has caught my attention. Blame it on the rainy weather that stopped me from walking out for lunch. I headed to the library to unwind on the cushy blue couches after a quick bite in the canteen. I definitely should have read this book earlier.
"There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room.
It's like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction - every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it's really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and that excitement at about a million miles an hour."
"Look at what can happen in this country, they'd say. A girl lives in some out-of-the way town for nineteen years, so poor she can't afford a magazine, and then she gets a scholarship to college and wins a prize here and a prize there and ends up steering New York like her own private car.
Only I wasn't steering anything, not even myself. I just bumped from my hotel to work and to parties and from parties to my hotel and back to work like a numb trolley-bus. I guess I should have been excited the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn't get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullubaloo."
Why is it, post Lit A-Levels, that I still get the itch to annotate? When I get some literary work in my hands I am almost sure that, if I had a coloured marker, highlighter and pen, I'd be driven to do so. But otherwise, I'd just do it in my head. I like it this way though. The novel is a rich tapestry of characters, plot, the writer's style, and so on. And being able to see the development/stagnation of the story, the growth of characters, to chart the story's progress, does give me great satisfaction, as opposed to reading without appreciation.
+Payday
+Last day of work
+Haircut
+The Bell Jar
-Rude people working at the university who spoke to me in this DUH voice when, in the first place I wasn't informed of anything so it's not my fault I DIDN'T KNOW $!@&^*
I'm living on to-do lists from now till school.
rachel at 11:12 PM
Sunday, July 17, 2005
maybe because it's sundayEmptiness is consuming. I feel unsure of myself, and almost overwhelmed such that I don't know how to write about what's bugging me. I don't like it when things in my life go off kilter, in the negative sense of course, because I end up feeling like I've got no more control.
This morning I woke up way too early, but had the big breakfast that I wanted. So I was very sleepy throughout church, skipped lunch and slept. Now that I'm trying to study my music I feel like I've already covered everything, I just need to learn how to apply it, which is the tricky part.
Eating/making sushi is a fun family activity. At least it helps cool down the tension and puts everyone at ease. I have been surprisingly easygoing this past week, I hope I stay that way for a long time to come. It bothers me when people let their problems get the better of them and they start affecting everyone else. It's irrational. I used to do that when I was younger, doing the whole angst thing, but I've definitely mellowed.
Youth is a wonderful thing to have, in spite of all the awkward changes. I'll never have this much fun, this little responsibility again. Somehow I cannot imagine what it must be like to grow old, to face a barrage of aging conditions, crow's feet, brown spots, fine lines, wrinkles and what not. Some of it the consequences of youth, I suppose. Having to slow down, having less than what I have now but still having more in other areas is a scary thought. And so, I must relish everything now, and milk the best out of everything.
I watched the Tour de France earlier, it was a sprint to the finish line for the winner [a sprint specialist], and an amazing one at that. To still have that extra something after riding updownup the mountains, and so close to the finish line, now that's wonderful stuff. I'm not a cycling buff, or a cycling fan, but this just captivates me.
rachel at 11:36 PM
grin and bear itThis is what happens after I get a tan. Despite the sunscreen + after sun emulsion. I guess I wasn't religious enough about it. I don't wanna look in the mirror. :/
I spent tonight cleaning out my room, and all that purging has made me feel so much better. Well, half the mess is gone. And I managed to categorise everything into neat piles. Another sense of satisfaction, or a neat freak's cheap thrill. Things I would like to forget/don't matter to me anymore, things I want to pass on, and things for keeps. It's always lovely stumbling onto something long forgotten, re-reading past letters, or a postcard in this case. I have tucked it away safely in my little treasure box.
Loved the weather today. It's so peaceful tonight, because my brother isn't around playing computer games/watching tv outside. Dinner included lovelies like teriyaki chicken and miso soup, the latter being terribly easy to make. I fixed my own lunch today, turning instant noodles into some big meal. I ended up not being able to finish all the noodles because I threw in so many ingredients, like pork, white button mushrooms, shrimp, meatballs and an egg. Also because it was piping hot and I had to run off for tuition. I love cooking, I have amassed a substantial collection of recipes but haven't had much time to experiment. I want to make pancakes and cookies, sweet as opposed to savoury, but only because I've already had my dinner.
I've got to kick my nocturnal habit, I don't like waking up too early in the morning but I don't like waking up to find half the morning gone either. Thing is I seem to be lucid mostly at night and I just wanna keep on going. It is doing horrible things to my eyes and energy level.
Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.-Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
rachel at 12:21 AM
Friday, July 15, 2005
it's never about the rainbows + butterfliesI need days like this more often. At least I got to eat some good food. And then, just got back from a wunnerful evening out with the Fly, had dinner at Adam Road and Island Creamery's Baked Alaska. Mmm hmm! I actually wanted to order ice-cream also but the weather was already so cold, plus he gave me that look. :/ Then there was the familiar long bus ride home, just like the old days that I really miss. It's for moments like these that I look forward to every week but we're so busy and I can't wait for ndp to be over. :(
Gulp, it's approximately a week till school starts. I'm actually comfortably settled into a nice routine right now and I'm not keen on uprooting again because it's just so emotionally exhausting. I regret not doing most of the things that I set out to do initially before the hols started, when things held so much promise. 8 glorious months of holiday, no less. Even though I think I lost myself somewhere along the way, I'm picking up the pieces now and things are looking up. Though 4 more years of school does seem like a drag. Poof. I don't know what I'd do without having friends close by, and my family that has turned out to be so amazing of late, but maybe because I never realised that in the first place. I have so much to be happy about and I didn't even know it. Oh the guilt, but I'm making up for lost time by being less self-absorbed, more responsible and helpful around the house.
I am hungry again, I want pancakes, waffles and teh tarik ice-cream but I think the only plausible option would be cereal and shortbread. Brrr I love the cold weather only when I'm at home and keeping toasty. Definitely going to settle down with a book tonight. And speaking of books, I'm so glad the book blog is finally up. :)
rachel at 10:45 PM
Thursday, July 14, 2005
candyrocksDay off tomorrow can only mean one good thing. :) Correction, two. :) :) From now till school starts, I've got: meetups, books to read, cookies to bake, a cluttered room to clean up, a music exam to study for, hair that desperately needs styling and a brother to tutor! And the perfect way(s) to de-stress? Retail therapy and calorific sweet treats! Mmm hmm! OK, tomorrow was supposed to be my last day of work but I agreed to work one more day. Admissions exercises are such a bitch really. Thankfully, I've got a free Friday. I love hitting the town on weekdays more so on weekends for the very obvious reason that it's less crowded. I shall attempt to exercise self-control though, in light of the excess cabbing recently. *pouts*
I've had it with being wistful about things that I can't change, getting angry over things that aren't worth my while, it seems so much better being frivolous, I'd be a whole lotta lighthearted with lots of love to give and go around. I think I'm far too serious for my own good but, especially with people I'm comfortable with I'm very laid back and open. For the sake of my frazzled nerves I'll be less paranoid android and over sensitive.
Before bed I'm going to try to read some but I'll probably end up daydreaming again. It's hot again tonight but it's nice and cold in my room, just the way I like it. I am parched and disgusted at the amount of brownies and shortbread I've consumed, but other than that I feel very awake.
Tomorrow sounds very promising, especially where ice-cream is concerned.
rachel at 11:38 PM