rachel, unravelling

Thursday, August 25, 2005

can you love me when you can't see me anymore

Apparently I tend to slip into a barrage of Singlish when I'm stressed, pissed off or upset. Mel pointed that out to me in our msn convo today, and I realised that in all other cases, it's true as well. Aiyah, even an abuhden [however you spell it], la, lor, what. Sigh, after that I just felt like a fucking souffle that failed to rise. And other than my Singlish I played my music really loudly but inadvertently gave myself a headache, so it made me feel even worse when we went to my grandma's for a family dinner. This is da shits man. But like Mel said, it's a dynamic process and we'll roll on.

I can't get my dumb speech in my head. I don't like giving speeches cuz things have a tendency to fly out of my head then and I ramble too fast and then I think oh great, I look and sound like a dumbass. But when it's over I wanna get down to chowmugging for the CS101 midterm cuz I've been a bad grrl.

OK guys check out www.flea-circus.net, they've got great accessories. I bought the necklace with charms on Sunday when I was at Anthropology in Holland V, apparently the shop carries the brand. It's not that ex either but damn stylish so worth considering.

Blub, I think I'm moodswinging because arsenal is playing on home ground, and this thing just exacerbated it. No biggie, shouldn't even give a fig really. Everything just blows out of proportion once a month, so yeah, now I get the whole dynamic process explanation, sort of, anyway.

rachel at 11:08 PM

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

it was one thing i could feel deep inside

Then the fire fades away
But most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

My song du jour, KT Tunstall's 'Other side of the world'. Muchos gracias to Mel for popping by Hall 8 to visit me and have lunch. We chatted alot about school and guy problems in general, and shared our music. It's great to see an old, familiar face when everything's still new. And just when I needed someone to talk to over some burning issue.

Past few days have been busy, school's been heating up and work is slowly piling up. I never sleep before 1am over here. Yes, I have started studying, albeit grudgingly, and spend a good amount of time online, and deciding where to put this and that in my room. I feel somewhat nicely settled into a comfortable routine, but damn morning classes! Have also been getting to know more people, and nice ones at that. I guess I could say that I'm enjoying school lots more now.

I just finished reading The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman. I love her prose and the way she writes like she's painting a picture. Beautiful language, and in all her books [she also wrote Practical Magic and Here On Earth, both were made into movies] she always writes about something magical in the lives of ordinary characters. There's always an acute sense of feeling in a harsh landscape. And it always sets you thinking, the way characters go about trying to solve their problems or battle their demons. At the end, there always is a lovely, but sometimes painful resolution. Like this one, there was death in a beautiful way. I'll put some excerpts here:

What's the difference between love and obsession? Didn't both make you stay up all night, wandering the streets, a victim of your own imagination, your own heartbeat? Didn't you fall into both, headfirst into quicksand? Wasn't ever man in love a fool and every woman a slave?

Love was like rain: it turned to ice, or it disappeared. Now you saw it, now you couldn't find it no matter how hard you might search. Love evaporated; obsession was realer; it hurt, like a pin in your bottom, a stone in your shoe. It didn't go away in the blink of an eye. A morning phone call filled with regret. A letter that said, Dear you, good-bye from me. Obsession tasted like something familiar. Something you'd known your whole life. It settled and lurked; it stayed with you.

x

People hide their truest natures. I understood that; I even applauded it. What sort of world would it be if people bled all over the sidewalks, if they wept under trees, smacked whomever they despised, kissed strangers, revealed themselves? Keep a cloak, that was fine, the thing to do; present a disguise, the outside you, the one you want people to believe.

x

This is what I know, the one and only thing. The best way to die is while you're living. Even for someone like me. You'd laugh to know how long it's taken for me to figure that out, when all I had to do was cross over the mountains. When I walk to my car in the parking lot on winter nights, I have often noticed bats, a black cloud in the darkening sky. They bring me comfort. They make me feel you're not so far away. To think, I used to be afraid. I used to run and hide. Now I stand and look upward. I don't mind what the weather is; the cold has never bothered me. I hope what I'm seeing is the ever after. I hope it's you.

rachel at 11:04 PM

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Sunday, August 21, 2005

weekend warriors

Friday was a blast, I haven't had so much fun in ages! Destination tai-tai dom sometime in this lifetime please? I went shopping in the morning, excuse to my dad was, being holed up in the hills/bowels of the west for too long makes one cranky and deprives one of pleasurable things. So, with much self-restraint later I emerged with a new pair of abercrombie shorts. Lunched again at Dome, cuz I'd a major craving for the pecan pie. It's so relaxing going shopping solo at a leisurely pace, and it makes me feel swell! They don't call it retail therapy for nothing cuz it works wonders on me, da prime example. C:

Evening was spent with the gals from Crescent. Although our lives have gone off on tangents and we are so different, I'm glad we still meet up with one another. We walked along Clarke Quay for ages before settling down on a Japanese place. [I now truly am sick of it!] Then we headed to Gotham Penthouse for some good clean (?) fun (!). Despite OD'ing on the rum and vodka [the word free flow just goes to show how I can be so typically Singaporean] I'd a fab time. Got some dutch courage from the drinks, and Minli Kuanie and I were the first on the dancefloor, casting aside initial apprehension. I was terribly amused by people dancing and smoking with a flourish. :P

Losing one's inhibitions is a wonderful feeling. So's liberation. I don't think I've let my hair down like this in such a long while. What comes after wasn't that good though! On the way home the cabdriver gave me a looong lecture about going overboard when drinking after seeing my red face and learning that I'm only 19. He was damn nice in a fatherly way about the whole thing at least, but all that talking made me feel like puking. Somewhere in the night I lost one half of my favourite pair of earrings. I'm damn upset. I was completely shammered in a way I've never been before, cuz of the pounding headache that kept me up and cursing. But the most amazing thing?

I wake up fricking early, we're talking 7 plus here, less than 6 hours of sleep, and I don't have a hangover. I feel perfectly normal. Wtf?

2 rounds of tuition wore me out, so I stayed in again with the parentals. And was glued to the man utd-aston villa match. That J.S. Park not bad eh! Got standard, and nearly scored. It seems like the current team is running high on confidence, which is good for the fans. Somehow, I can't wait for tomorrow's clash between the teams who shan't be named, even when I'm not a fan.

Mom made me bake a cake for my aunt, as a way of saying thanks for everything that she's done for me. I don't think that my gratitude can be expressed enough, though. Ended up baking 2 american carrot cakes, one's for us to keep. It's spongy and sweet, I'm so pleased! I was so worried that it'd be a flop cuz it's my first time baking this.

Anyways, enjoy these random pics, btw the camera date is screwed up.

I have a thing for boats, sailing and the sea, though this is only the Singapore river. =P

My changmoh chum Mel!

Lastly, with Minli at Gotham.

rachel at 12:10 AM

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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

champagne supernova

I'm feeling semi-happy and tres bon tonight. A very hot first night and sleep deprivation notwithstanding. Heart-to-hearts, getting to know more people, trying to focus, and being (sort of) intellectually challenged, I think I'm getting into the groove. Dinner tonight was with Bernie, followed by a visit to her room and a long chat. I think everyone's room is so cosy as compared to mine! I need to bring in my pictures pronto. I also think I might stay up tonight to read. A lovely, windy night and it's rare that I am this lucid. I can't wait to go home tomorrow, I miss home-cooked food and home with its warmth and umm, noise. Yes. Having friends around when you least expect it, but need them the most, is a wonderful thing. :)

rachel at 11:36 PM

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

hooked up in hall 8

Darlings, here I am, at last, spending my maiden night in hall. Yes, that's Hall 8 second floor of some block, the room right next to the stairs. It looks a bit drab right now but everything's clean. I was so surprised that there was hot water in the shower, and it was clean. No bugs of any sort. I lugged so many bags here today, on top of my usual tote bag, there was a laptop bag, another tote bag and 2 other big heavy plastic bags. I looked like a mad bag lady, and it was a feat walking up all the stairs to get to my room. *lol* For some reason I'm feeling really sleepy, a bad sign because I've got to think of what to say during the tutorial presentation tomorrow. And I need to do readings, bad. But ever since I got back here I just wanna crawl into bed. Bed with mismatched but lovely bedlinen. I'm not used to a room this bare and quiet, though it's noisy downstairs. And why's it so darn warm tonight! I thought it was supposed to be cold here or something. OK, right now I think I just do not know what to do with myself.

I think it's important not to bare too much of your soul to a person. Or tell them everything about what you think, or share too much of yourself with them. There'd be no more sense of mystery otherwise, and you'd feel somewhat empty. And people's perceptions can change. But sometimes, you really want to get to know someone, and you want that person to know you too.

Oh bugger I'm all about aching knees and shoulders and a somewhat ponderous heart. What could have been, what should have been, what would have been, if only I.

rachel at 10:01 PM

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Sunday, August 14, 2005

deja moi

It's been a long weekend and I'm utterly spent, and totally dreading Monday, what with it being a long day. Plus I have to haul more stuff to my hall room. Speaking of which, I moved in today, with the help of the parentals. While I firmly believe I can manage fine on my own, it's surprising how things are so much better with them around. My new roomate's here, my things are halfway in there, the parentals helped to re-clean the dusty-again room and everything will be fully in on Tuesday so I can finally spend the night there. And after that, will invite people to visit and crash. Company would be great. :)

Friday night was going for the Paparazzi production, which I thought was well-done and professional, though the third play, an Albee one, was quite abstract and deep and I was quite confused. Or perhaps, I was stark raving hungry. Had supper with some OG mates at Newton hawker centre, which is overrated and overrpriced, and left me feeling bloated/burpy/insomniacal. I didn't sleep till like 3am. Geez. And miraculously, on Saturday...

I woke up at 8am. For tuition at 10. Managed, amazingly, to ramble on [and make sense] for 2 hours on the Cold War. Then it was a quick pit-stop home for lunch, and to buy lunch for my brother, before going out again for my usual tuition. After that I dragged myself to Ikea, no thanks to someone who was sleeping and decided not to go with me in the end. It was so effing crowded, full of noisy kids running around recklessly and well, it was just one haphazard claustrophobic mess. I just don't deal well with crowds/having my personal space violated/loud noise! So I ended up not getting to browse much, but I still love that place cuz of all the kitschy stuff they have, and got what I wanted eventually. Bedlinens are my new obsession, right after cooking utensils.

In their EPL opening game, Man U was splendid. Great for restoring confidence in them what with last season's disappointments. It's a more...complete team right now and I foresee more Saturday nights on the couch. Really. Much as I like going to town and generally having fun shopping, dining, watching movies, somehow it just feels better plonking myself down on the couch with juice and ice-cream and analysing soccer matches with my dad-very um, mellow.

So today was crazy busy as usual, I shouldn't have stayed up late to finish this greaat book, 'Shrimp' by Rachel Cohn. It's the sequel to 'Gingerbread', which I read in like, Sec 4. So this makes me too old to be reading 'Shrimp', but I just had to know whether CC got back together with Shrimp. And the book is kickass.

''Maybe you ought to worrying so much about some idea called true love, and think harder about the simple, plain reality of what love you have in you to give, and receive in turn. Love that's about the person - the real person, that lost soul boy whose future plans are vaguer than yours, the one too scared to admit how much he needs you because maybe he's afraid of losing you again - and not about some romanticized notion of who you thought that person was. Think about whether you have gotten to know this person well enough this time around to have earned the right to call it love."

"There was nothing to do now but look ahead, because you can't force good times to come back, I suppose. Things change. People change. True love maybe can just fade away."

I'm like, weary right now and have thrown all romantic notions out of the window. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in some kinda crisis. But really, love is so overrated. It's faaar from peachiness so I've accepted that shit happens and that makes things easier to bear. It's so much better to not have expectations and to take things as they come so there is less emotional baggage. Anyway I'm like only 19 I shouldn't even think so much about love, that is not to say I should be thinking of lust, hahaha.

Packing to do. Please somebody splurge on eye-cream for me? I think I might start using anti-aging eye cream soon at the rate I'm going.

rachel at 10:30 PM

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

winter just isn't my season

My new favourite bad habit is going back to bed after getting up. This could be after brushing my teeth or after having brekkie, but w/e, it feels damn good. I wish I didn't feel so guilty though, from daydreaming/staring into space or plain getting more shut-eye. After whiling the whole morning away, I made lunch for the brother and I! It seemed more like a big brekkie, but only because our instant noodles weren't substantial. I whipped up a mushroom onion omelette and pork sausages. Yummy! Our freezer is stuffed with goodies from the Swiss Butchery and the pork chops are especially divine. So, cooking hasn't been a hassle at all. And I ended up doing the cleaning after that, which made me late in meeting my tutorial group.

Cuz I had to feed my literary cravings, I stopped by the library after school today, two new novels to devour and already I'm hooked. When I was younger I read far more than this, and I didn't spend much time reading so many magazines. I've got a super long book list now, aside from the already growing pile of readings for school. :/ I used to always carry a storybook with me wherever I went, just in case I got bored of whatever and didn't want to waste my time. I could spend hours reading, and back in those days my favourite place in the mall was the bookstore. Amazing right! And then I grew up and there were...diversions.

I realise I am quite the go-getter. I am proactive about getting what I want. Now that is good in a sense, because I'm not mucking about in misery thinking everything is the shits and hopeless. But then it's bad because there is great potential for screwing up. Anyhows I don't think I've paid much attention to the latter, in the greater scheme of things. It's, what Mel terms, the mini version of leaping into bed with a guy, pardon the horribly graphic image there.

Anyway I'm hungry again and I want supper after which I'm not going to feel like going to bed. Then I'm going to wake up really late, with eyebags and get pissed with myself for not sleeping early. Then I won't feel like doing anything productive cuz I'm lethargic. Yup it's a vicious circle.

rachel at 11:03 PM

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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

bew*tched, bothered and bewildered

I'm so hurting right now and everything is getting to me, but okay found myself stuck under crappy circumstances and treated badly by people who don't give a f*** about others' feelings. Mel said it's the withdrawal symptoms. Partly, and mostly I wonder why some people are so insensitive. Oh geez, and I'd really love to tell someone instead of bottling this up inside me and convincing myself that I shouldn't feel this way at all cuz it's irrational.

A rather pointless day at school, really. As expected, I hit the snooze button, still managed to make it in time but the queue for the 179 was such a bitch, so my friend and I did something not very nice and managed to get to school before the lecture began. And throughout the whole thing, I was like, I woke up for this??? I was with Fly after that, trying desperately to catch some shut-eye while he, annoying bugger that he is, played Fifa, listened to mp3s and nattered on incessantly. Seriously, he's got verbal diarrhoaea. He didn't even stop when we got to the theatre. Bewitched was a delightful spell of a movie, it's more fluff than blockbuster, what with the happy and expected ending. But what I liked was Nicole Kidman's acting, wardrobe (!!!), the setting (nice house + scenery) and her chemistry with that egomaniacal freak. And the movie started off quite well and fell a bit flat halfway, but overall its lighthearted and lovely.

Mmph I am creatively and emotionally devoid, procrastinating on all the must-dos because I'm in a strangely flippant mood, and not wanting to commit to anything but just be free-spirited. Would love a life of leisure where I could, a la Samantha in Bewitched, have anything I want with a wiggle of my nose.

rachel at 10:36 PM

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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

the fashion assassin's vicious threads

National Day was heaps of fun and I'm feeling like I can't wake up at for an 8.30am lecture. : / There was shopping over in Orchard with Gabriel, where, unfortunately, we didn't get anything. I did, however, spot some funky hats in the male departments, but they had equally funkay prices. *lol* And we had the loveliest lunch at the Dome in Paragon, pizza and for dessert, pecan pie with gelato, the latter of which is so sinfully sweet and divine I wanted seconds.

rachel at 11:39 PM

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Monday, August 08, 2005

hols again!

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Dirt is nauseating, to me at least. I went to clean up my hall room and being the cleanliness freak I am, got icked out by the whole process even though it wasn't dirty. It's just, dust, some cobwebs, some questionable brown/black turd looking things, and funky smells. Blub, all of the above=eew to me. That, and the thought of many people before me having used the room. Thankfully the whole process was over faster than I thought. I mama-lemoned everything and scrubbed reaaally hard, but couldn't remove some stains, much to my chagrin. Argh w/e la, just line the drawers and cupboards so my stuff won't touch it directly. Or live out of my suitcase. And then before I left I whipped out my antiseptic spray and liberally psssed all over, thankfully the smell's quite pleasant. Eeeps I think this is revealing all my anal-about-cleanliness tendencies, innit. :)

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

I'm really good at the waiting game.

rachel at 10:24 PM

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Sunday, August 07, 2005

stuck in reverse

It's Sunday night [again] and I'm feeling a twinge of sadness at things that are out of my control, but otherwise it's been a smashing day. I mean, earlier today I felt happier than I have in awhile, and the weird thing is I was out with the parentals - shopping, treating them to lunch, and visiting my grandmother. New sandals, new objects of desire that I hope to acquire. :) And I'm going shopping with Gabe come Tuesday, must exercise control la. I think I was happy because I've realised that I don't have to worry so much anymore and that some things aren't that important already, and I don't want to spoil everything that I have now. Right, I sound so absolutely sure of myself, but sometimes I think that it'd take very little to tear all this down. What all this means, I don't know, I just want it all to end. I feel like a little oyster. Yours, truly.

rachel at 10:04 PM

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Saturday, August 06, 2005

eye to the telescope

Nothing pleases me more than reading letters and postcards over and over again. People don't tell you as much in person, and sometimes these make the best presents. I've kept every one of them, from Mel, because we were in different JCs, and code-named crushes and swapped songlists, to Fly, being his high profile i'm-too-busy-for-anyone self he was never around, and everything in between.

Saturday went just the way I wanted it to, spent too much but still exercised restraint. I don't need another bag, do I, or more makeup. :) Maybe it was because I couldn't get a pair of seriously gorgeous pink slides at the secret shoe shop, and because of National day sales, I od'ed a bit, but less than my mom. Am presently lusting after Mr Marc Jacobs, Juicy, a pink pair of sandals at Betula, and I've got the urge to splurge, so more on National Day please. For now, I swear, I gotta clean out this place, seriously. It's packed to the rafters and I've got unpacked shopping bags shoved under my table, very bad.

The problem with journalling is that I'm experiencing a multitude of emotions that I cannot articulate, and I need to sort it out so I won't feel so tormented, but telling somebody about my stream-of-consciousness doesn't make it so personal anymore. Ruminations and revelations that occur suddenly, only to be forgotten after awhile. And sometimes you can't tell nothing but the whole truth, because it spoils everything. Maybe I should do a Virginia Woolf, and arrange all my thoughts neatly in words, so that they appear in linear fashion, but it wouldn't sound half as good.

Mostly, I dislike Sundays because I am never fully awake, and as a result I'm grumpy and a pain to be with.

rachel at 9:55 PM

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Friday, August 05, 2005

deux

Time is relative. A given length of time can seem short or long depending on what went on then. Time in secondary school/JC flies very fast, for example. Relationships are different, I guess. For example, spending two years in JC is so different from being in a relationship for that same length of time. The former seems short, compared to the latter. Really. It must be because youth is a time of flightiness, uncertainty, and exploration. Whereas we have no choice but to go to school, we have complete freedom when it comes to relationships. People put so much effort and emotion into them, it's no wonder that even two years seems so looong. And then I think how, over time, I have changed. I feel like I have lived so many different lives. They have their own distinct flavour, and although certain experiences occured not too long ago, it just feels like it occured in another lifetime.

Cough feels a bit better, and this morning I bummed around doing absolutely nothing but more reading [Lucky Shopping Manual]. I cooked unagi for lunch, and it's really simple and delicious, plus I also made an onion mushroom omelette that smells so good when frying in the wok! And of course, tasted fab after. I love onions, even though they make my hands stink lots despite washing with soap. Weekend again, lots of shopping tomorrow, sales again and being with my lovely family. I am absolutely knackered tonight, but glad for everything that I have. I know I have nothing to worry about. That I am safe, loved, cared for, and thought of. Nothing beats that. :)

rachel at 11:21 PM

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Thursday, August 04, 2005

snippets of solitude

Horribly rainy weather, rained in, nowhere to go, nothing purposeful to do. Made scrambled eggs and cheese, OD'ed on the cheese, but it was good nonetheless. Filled with longing, played Jem and Coldplay on repeat. Hoping for a connection, but nothing yet. Gave up some things that aren't high on my priority list anymore. Window shopping, online, way too much, getting to know more people and reconnecting with the old ones. I slept at 3am the previous day, and got up at 9 to a gloomy view of the world outside. Super. The headache hit again and the pain doubled with cramps shortly after, but all I felt, was irrepressible, silly and a tad wistful. I want to drink sangria and dance barefoot in a skirt that swirls.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way i love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way i really need you

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

rachel at 11:23 PM

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am i supposed to be really happy to see you or something?

In the midst of typing an entry off goes my net connection. Blah. Anyways, I've gone through a fair bit of revelations, am battling an illness and finished my music exam, all since school started proper this week. I realise I always hanker after something that's not good for me, or something elusive. I just, have to have it anyway. I try to fight it, I try to walk away, but it always draws me back. Tasting the forbidden fruit is always so tempting, and after that, I'll go back to being good again.

But right now, I don't think I can deal with any more drama. It'd be so much easier for me to know who someone really is then to constantly having to psychoanalyze everything to see if that person is just testing me to see how I'll respond, or if that's just the way the person is. I find myself drawn to enigmatic people, because you always want to find out more about them, and then when they build up more walls around themselves and I find myself falling short, I just get tired of the game. Then they try to draw you back by reaching out again, isn't that how it works? I told myself that's it, I'm done but now, I don't know. I don't know if anything said can be taken at face value, and I don't know what all this means, if it means anything at all. Blub. Well I'd like for it to mean something, after everything, but I daren't hope for it.

Geez. I want superfunness and relaxation and plain old heart to hearts, it's been too long. Shopping, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a new dining place, all that would be great. And pictures to go along. I've now mastered Photoshop thanks to CS108! Gotta get poor shelved and cast aside social life back on track, huzzah.

rachel at 12:44 AM

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