Saturday, December 31, 2005
"once in a blue moon" verbosity2005 has been a year of many firsts for me - working [for more than 2 weeks], getting the dreaded A Level results, going to university [here], living in the dorm, and learning how naive I was. At the beginning of the year I don't think I expected myself to be here, but then I also drew a blank at thinking of the possibilities. Even though some doors were closed to me and I faced alotta disappointments, I still had many tempting opportunities that made decision-making very difficult. It's been a long year, but unfortunately one that I am never gonna have again.
Next year I'll be 20. No more something-teen. Somehow that always impresses people. When you're 20 and above people seem to have certain expectations of you. Even if I grow older I don't want to lose the essence of myself - I still want to be the same klutzy and silly girl who's always daydreaming and smiles to herself, and is easily amazed.
I feel like this year I've just been stumbling along, never quite finding my footing, and just being unsure of myself. I think I started to lose focus of who I was, became self-deprecating and lost my sense of self-worth. But then you meet people who are so passionate about what they do and relentlessly pursue their interests and it reminded me of the old me back in school. I guess I had started getting jaded and this realization came towards the end of the year, so that's with good timing.
I daren't hope for too much next year, and I'm not gonna invest too much significance over the fact that it's the New Year. In fact, I've been wallowing the past few days over something that I thought I had gotten over already. Next year I am definitely not going to take things for granted.
I am infinitely grateful for all the people I have met this year, the new friendships and even old ones that were solidified. And even my family, exasperating and incomprehensible they can be at times, they have been comforting, generous and indulging of me.
So as we ring in the New Year I'll remember what once was and never will be and look forward to what is to come.
Today was a lovely day spent out with the cousins lunching at a Shanghainese restaurant [that serves great noodles and fabulous red bean pancakes] followed by Venezia gelato. Orchard Road later was a crazy and claustrophobic experience. Never seen before 50% off storewide at Armani Jeans (!!!) but I digress. It rained buckets again and on my way back I wished I had a driving license and a car. So that my sandals and feet wouldn't get wet, so that I wouldn't be mucking around in puddles of water and so that I could stay clean, dry and warm. Or that when I get home I won't find a fallen palm tree blocking the path completely when I enter the side gate and I have to crawl under it.
When I got home I found that this morning when my bro and I left the house the living room windows weren't closed - I could have sworn I shut them but we wouldn't have ended up with a flooded living room otherwise. :/
Oh well.
Happy New Year dearies.
rachel at 8:51 PM
maybe i will, maybe i won'tI'm not quite gonna make any resolutions for 2006 but I've learnt some lessons this year that I'll carry through to the next.
One thing I guess I'll do, however, is to be a nicer person to my family. I haven't been v good to them this year, I must admit.
I was gonna say something like I'll study hard this year, but all the same, I'll skip lectures when things get too much, I'll daydream or draw on my papers in class and I may doze off.
I just wanna be more aware of what's around me instead of perpetually existing in my own world, be less impulsive and do what's good for me.
rachel at 10:53 AM
Friday, December 30, 2005
gulpismswhat do you do when people let you down all the time, when they know they're wrong?
do you cut them out/off from your life? let them know how you feel, and let them pick up the pieces?
i have some idiotic problem with not wanting to upset the status quo. i just smile and brush things off.
ah yes, mel, my new year's resolution, if i decide to make any, would be to be able to talk about my abstract emotions for more than 3 minutes, instead of moving on to other topics.
it's the last free friday night before school starts. i've actually enjoyed the holidays because i got to have alot of rest and not stress out at all...maybe only minor stuff that had no major consequence whatsoever. i basically bummed around alot...sometimes doing nothing works wonders. spent way too much time online [and online shopping naturally follows] and caught up on reading some great books too.
mel and i went visiting ethnic enclaves today, arab street to be precise. we had a hard time deciding what to buy. and she's going to teach me how to salsa so we can both go to the salsa club.
also, had a loverly time at the MAC counter trying on eyeliner. due to previously traumatic experience with eyeliner i'm quite averse to eye kohl, so i was very twitchy when mel was lining my eyes. but then the salesgirl used their famous fluidlines on me [it's cream-based] and it went on like a charm. well, because it was a brush and not a pencil that could accidentally poke your eyes. and now i am hooked.
dinner at menotti's after with minli - the place with the fabulous italian desserts.
rachel at 11:52 PM
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
nomenclatureI am tutoring a kid in English.
Her mom is a florist and her shop is located in town.
When I asked the girl for her name, she told me her Chinese one, which I found odd cuz her mother had a Christian name.
Today, while flipping through the assessment books, I found out that she did have one too.
Only that she was named after a flower, and I'm not talking about something like Lily or Rose.
x
Last night, I was watching EPL with the bro. We were alternating between the Man U and Liverpool matches, because the Man U game wasn't very exciting.
"Your alter ego," I pointed out as we watched Peter Crouch get yellow carded for attempting to bust up some dude.
"No, Darren Fletcher is my alter ego, have you not seen him close up?" my bro insists.
Both lanky, and my brother does bear some resemblance to them, but Fletcher clearly is the cuter of the two.
I paused and thought for a bit before asking, "If I were a football player, who would I be?"
His response: "Cristiano Ronaldo. Because everytime you get fouled you fall down easily and start complaining."
Say what?! I think I've become more of the confrontational sort a la Rooney, but sans the volatility.
rachel at 11:20 PM
Monday, December 26, 2005
Christmas EveWe went to my aunt's place [my mom's side of the family] for potluck. It was so strange cuz my mom was asked to cook mee siam, which is so un-Christmassy, but at least there was turkey. I didn't end up eating much cuz there wasn't much space to sit but I really liked the cheesecake. I'm not close at all to this side of the family but ended up chilling with my bro and later some cousins and got terrorised by a much younger one.
After that we went to church for midnight mass. We reached at 11-ish but it was quite packed downstairs already and listening to the carolling before the service started. I drank espresso before that but halfway through I felt very sleepy. People actually dozed off! Oddly enough when I went home I had trouble sleeping. :/
Christmas
It's our tradition every year to open our presents when we wake up on Christmas morning.
It was about 10-ish already, and I was halfway through breakfast when my mom made me help her with the turkey stuffing.
After that we made minced pies. I have no idea why they call the filling minced meat when it consists of fruits and nuts soaked in rum. It's incredibly easy to make and I now know how to make filo pastry. *beams*
Dinner was heaps of fun cuz we're closer to my dad's side. I had my mom's turkey, raisin rice, ham, and garlic bread. I didn't want to touch the lamb because usually I find it's got a funny smell but my parents loved it so much. Drank a lot too but not much of the alcoholic kind. Only one glass of champagne and a few sips of red wine! I was sooo [unusually] disciplined and turned down more alcohol cuz I hate getting red-faced. Instead I had heaps of watermelon juice and one cuppa espresso. The minced pies were deeelish with vanilla ice-cream. :)
The whole family played Taboo after, the gals vs the guys. Of course the gals won! It's kinda like Pictionary but there's a list of words you can't use to describe the item, and it's so much fun when you have so many people playing.
I love my presents this year. Practical and very pretty. Hmm evidently, everyone knows I like pink! :)
But then, the best presents didn't come wrapped up in shiny paper and ribbons.
Boxing Day
Post-Christmas sales...eep. I don't like crowds but I was accompanying my mom, and I had to exchange some shirts for my cousin cuz I bought them in the wrong size. I was so tired that I came back and slept till 6-ish. There goes the whole day, and regrettably too.
Now that the whole festive period's over there isn't anything to look forward to. Blub:(
rachel at 8:50 PM
t'is the seasonmerry christmas!!
or in the style of the OC, merry chrismukkah.
I subscribe to the 12 days of Christmas idea, so even though it's after midnight I don't quite care.
It didn't feel like Christmas at all this year, what with it seeming like any ordinary day, but the past two days have been spent with family and it's been so fun and enjoyable, albeit tiring.
I love Christmas because everyone's happy and it serves as a reminder [because we often forget] of how blessed we are.
Recaps to come after I get some much-needed rest and check out the post Christmas sales.
It's been a jolly one indeed.
rachel at 12:22 AM
Saturday, December 24, 2005
the eveSleepy.
It is one hour before I leave for Christmas dinner with the family. But it feels like any other Saturday, except it is a waterlogged one. Somehow, the drainage system in my condo is choked or screwed up. It rained cows earlier and there was thunder and lightning which made for a potent combination I do not like.
When I reached my house I was cursing and swearing because there was so much water everywhere. At the entrance where the road slopes up the water was up to my ankles and I could do nothing but wade through it. And things got worse - the other paths were flooded too and the grass looked like fricking paddy fields. And the tennis court is well on its way to become a swimming pool. I was near completely drenched, my jeans and sandals ruined. Arghhh. Does it happen to anyone else's house?!
*breathes*
I am well on my way to stuffing myself full with good food this holiday. Fly and I went to Holland V and had pizza at, well, Spizza and I was ravenous having not had breakfast because I woke up so late. I also ended up with lemon chocolate cupcakes from Da Paolo's because all my other favourites had sold out.
OK I'm going to try to be excited and happy about what's to come...
and find something nice and dry to wear.
rachel at 5:53 PM
Friday, December 23, 2005
better daysI love this song. It's perfect for this time of the year.
And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again - goo goo dolls
rachel at 11:51 PM
on the eve of the eveIn the midst of the hectic rush leading up to Christmas, the true spirit of the holiday is often forgotten.
I have been to town every single day of this week for assorted reasons - meeting up with friends, school-related meetings, christmas shopping, and I am thoroughly pooped. I'd rather stay at home, curl up in bed with a book or watch cable, instead of braving hazardous conditions - traffic jams, screaming children who run everywhere and sprawl inconveniently on the floor, long queues, too many people who walk too slowly and talk too loudly. I found myself with a shopping-induced headache today, but at long last my Christmas shopping is finito!
I came home to a nice fat package sent by Bel that was filled with my Christmas presents to myself. :)
Another nice thing, I got the timetable I wanted for next semester. Now hoping to get the electives I want.
There are presents to wrap and cookies to make but I'm feeling slightly cranky because of, arghhh, some rude and mean people who dampened my spirits. And maybe a little selfish too - after running errands for other people who aren't thankful for it at all and my phone ringing to the point of me cringing at my ringtone I just want to be left alone for awhile.
I don't have scrooge-ish tendencies, I'm just tired. Glad, though, that I got to meet up with a good number of friends, catch up with them before school starts and have a good time in general.
rachel at 9:57 PM
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
sights & lights
poinsettia perfection
beribboned: the paragon tree
orchard from the mandarin: escaping the orchard road mayhem
lemon tart! ever since corduroy&finch, i've been ordering lemon tarts for dessert whenever i see one on the menu:)
coupe cheesecake, again. cheese ice-cream's too fabulous.
arty farty waffles
rachel at 12:14 AM
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
germany2006I wanna bring one of these dudes home.
rachel at 11:37 PM
I vaguely remember posting this quote by Jeanette Winterson before, but how apt it should be now.This hole in my heart is in the shape of you. No one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?
rachel at 1:10 AM
Sunday, December 18, 2005
bag it nowMore sugar highs: Mom and I made macademia and chocolate chip cookies tonight! They taste absolutely fabulous and chewy. I also love making my own fruit juice: orange and carrot with a tablespoon of honey, though cleaning up the juicer is an awful affair.
On to more frivolous stuff: I intend to use the Personal Shopper service on this website to bring in some stuff from the US. That way I can stop mooning over things and not being able to get them because the store doesn't accept international credit cards or whoever I know studying in the US is back here/won't be back for a long long time. I think the personal shopper idea is such a great one and it'd be fun working as one too. The only catch being I have to pay the a fee that's about 15-20% of my item, which is not so bad if it's not that expensive. So, if anybody wants to get anything and consolidate their orders with mine, drop me a line. Eh, unintentional rhyme. :P I have been gushing over loverly bags from Amici Accessories and I wanna get something from there so yes people can hop on with me and we'll split the shipping. Orders from additional stores will cost an extra USD4.50. The exchange rate now is not that high, thank goodness for that! Retail therapy should never induce stress.
One week to Christmas and everything's happening so fast! Results are coming out, we gotta choose our modules for next semester, there're still some people to see before school starts, and school is going to start in 2 weeks. That's my main gripe.
rachel at 10:33 PM
I am dying. Every day, with every breath I draw, I am closer to the end of my life. For we are born with a finite number of breaths, and each one I take edges the sunlight that is my life toward the inevitable dusk.It is a difficult thing to remember, especially while we are in the health and strength of our youth, and yet, I have come to know that it is an important thing to keep in mind -- not to complain or to make melancholy, but simply because only with the honest knowledge that one day I will die, can i ever truly begin to live. Certainly, I do not dwell on the reality of my own mortality, but I believe that a person cannot help but dwell, at least subconciously, on that most imposing specter until he has come to understand, to truly understand and appreciate, that he will one day die. That he will one day be gone from this place, this life, this consciousness and existence, to whatever it is that awaits. For only when a person completely and honestly accepts the inevitability of death is he free of the fear of it.
So many people, it seems, stick themselves into the same routines, going through each day's rituals with almost religious precision. They become creatures of simple habit. Part of that is the comfort afforded by familiarity, but there is another aspect to it, a deep-rooted belief that as long as they keep everything the same, everything will remain the same. Such rituals are a way to control the world about them, but in truth, they cannot. For even if they follow the exact routine day after day after day, death will surely find them.
I have seen other people paralyze their entire existence around that greatest of mysteries, shaping their every movement, their every word, in a desperate attempt to find the answers to the unanswerable. They fool themselves, either through their interpretations of ancient texts or through some obscure sign from a natural event, into believing that they have found the ultimate truth, and thus, if they behave accordingly concerning that truth, they will surely be rewarded in the afterlife. This must be the greatest manifestatation of that fear in death, the errant belief that we can somehow shape and decorate eternity itself, that we can curtain its windows and place its furniture in accordance with our own desperate desires.
I can only look at it all and sigh, for as death is the greatest mystery, so it is the most personal of all revelations. We will not know, none of us, until the moment it is upon us, and we cannot truly and in good conscience convince another of our beliefs. It is a road we travel alone, but a road that I no longer fear, for in accepting the inevitable, I have freed myself from it. In coming to recognize my mortality, I have found the secret to enjoying those centuries, years, months, days or even hours, that I have left to draw breath. This is the existence I can control, and to throw away the precious hours over fear of the inevitable is a foolish thing indeed. And to subconsciously think ourselves immortal and thus not appreciate those precious few hours that we all have is equally foolish.
I cannot control the truth of death, whatever my desperation. I can only make certain that those moments of my life I have remaining are as rich as they can be.-- Drizzt Do'Urden
The Dark Elf Trilogy - R.A. Salvatore
rachel at 9:50 PM
light sabres and starsI had to laugh when I watched Premiership Saturday earlier. The Empire Strikes Back? Beat Wigan, Man U did, but that doesn't mean they're back to their vintage best. Not to mention they're already out of Europe. It's disappointing to see how, despite having such a stellar lineup of players, the force hasn't been with them.
I'm supposed to be doing some work right now, but for the past two hours I've been distracted.
Bag and earring fetish, can't help it.
It's been a long day but I always feel so awake at night. :)
rachel at 12:16 AM
Saturday, December 17, 2005
suh-weetPlaying tennis at 12pm yesterday was a bad idea. It was sooo hot but with a bit of wind...not very good conditions. I felt like a char siew pau and didn't want to chase down balls. I woke up this morning with aching upper arms and legs.
I also decided to get started on my Christmas shopping in the afternoon. Gabriel and I braved the crowds but didn't manage to come up very successful. On Pedder and Pedder Red were having their sales. "Seeing all these shoooes and baaags just makes me so happy," I trill and clap my hands together while he's like, Okayyy. I've got gift ideas as opposed getting the actual gifts themselves. I'd rather go when the shops open on a weekday morning rather than go midnight shopping in a menagerie. I'm not that into Orchard Road's fairy lights and Christmas deco...it's a bit too bright imho. It seems like every square inch is dedicated to milking the Christmas cash cow and you can't walk down the stretch undisturbed.
We sample one too many fragrances and it got so bad we could not smell so the salespeople whipped out their jars of coffee beans to revive our senses. Now I heart Marc Jacobs' classic scent.
Stollen + brownies from the pan pac + mrs fields cookies = too much sugar = yummy = i think i am going to get a sore throat again if i continue at this rate
rachel at 11:23 AM
Friday, December 16, 2005
the old oneSo many late nights in a row when I don't have any reason to be doing so.
I was reminded of the blog I had before, the one on Diary-x last year. It's password protected and yeah I forgot the password. I managed to log in and view the password I'd set: something to do with Italian jewellery and the jersey number of my ex-favourite soccer player who decided he preferred tapas to fish and chips and following a flurry of speculation, absconded from ex-football team. He wasn't so attractive after that, nor has he played as well.
Point is, I read through some entries and marvelled at how chatty/conversational I used to be and how amusing the stuff in there is. My writing's so much more subdued now. Darn I wish I were 17, 18 again [in spite of the traumatising A Levels].
I was so mad with that pompous b**** just now. She loves to roll her eyes and acts so proud. I guess she knows that I don't like her anymore. It's hell working with her. I got the overdue laptop(1 1/2 weeks!) out of my locker today. How dare she tell her math teacher that I was holding on to the biblio and she was stressed out over the report cuz everything was in shambles when SHE is the one who compiled all the resources and I am a WRITER so I don't compile research, doh! I am so angry with her for looking like a pathetic loser and putting the blame on me when the teacher asks why she looks so stressed. During GP I asked her if she'd the biblio and she rolled her eyes at me and got annoyed. Argh!!! I don't want to talk about this anymore, it utterly disgusts me. She disgusts me to the core.
Guess who? But anyway, good grief, I wrote this?! I must have been really cross. It's so hilarious now I can't believe I wrote something so silly.
And then I found this...where I found somewhere else and pasted it in an entry.
Maybe loving someone means needing them in your life. When you think about it, there aren't many people in the world whom you can't live without. Or rather, there aren't many people in the world who will make your life break apart if they disappeared suddenly from the face of the earth. Because when you love someone so much, all the little things matter. As trivial as they may seem. It's why wives get annoyed over forgotten anniversaries. Or how guys get riled up when another guy hits on their girl. It's why people still forgive and forget after hurting each other so much. Maybe loving someone means allowing them the privilege of being able to hurt you. That having the understanding and familiarity of each other either rubs you up on every little issue or allows you to overlook the menial everyday things because love and the big picture means more than getting annoyed at small stupid things.
&
There are these moments of clarity in the confusion of life where you see everything clearly, and when they happen, you're so grateful for those moments you could cry-because they stop the aching inside and everything makes sense, if only for a little while.
rachel at 12:51 AM
Thursday, December 15, 2005
baublingPutting up the Christmas tree is a treacherous affair.
Dragging the box out from the storeroom requires me to lift up miscellaneous items like hardware stuff and boxes of shoes, and it's such a drag arranging everything back in again. The ornaments sit high up in a cupboard, where I can only reach it tiptoeing on a chair. I poke about with my fingers and risk getting bonked on the head by a box containing a tall glass vase and a laptop case and a plastic bag I later open to find contains small and giant acorns. The former is for the tree, the latter my parents probably picked up in Europe. Kinda reminds me of the first time I saw maple leaves, and I scooped up some from the sidewalk [sounds v country-bumpkinish] to bring home and press in my Webster's, where they still are.
It takes me about an hour, with some reluctant help from my bro, to get the tree up and festoon it with ornaments. My mom comes home this evening with new ornaments and decides she just wants to have that bronze and gold colour scheme so she takes mostly everything down save for the acorns and whatever gold stuff and hangs up the new ones. Geez.
Today I wake up late and dawdle, unsure of whether I want to go out or not. In the end I do, making my way to Holland V, which is still relatively empty before noon. I find myself quietly smiling, and have no idea why, but I suppose I do like it there alot. I shop a bit, find lotsa lovely stuff from Antipodean but nowhere to wear it to, and end up at Da Paolo's Gastronomia.
It's hard making up my mind on what to buy when I'm there, because I feel like I want almost everything, so I've decided to buy something off my list of things to try everytime I'm there. I ended up with apple crostata [ looks like a strudel, very filling ] , a chocolate croissant and doughnut. Naturally when I get home my bro gets very covetuous towards the chocolate stuff. He insists on trying everything and tells me I should have bought more. I guess.
It's getting to be a bad but a very enjoyable habit - online shopping almost everyday this week.
rachel at 11:38 PM
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
jane doughIf you are female, love indulging in some retail therapy but end up in dire need of financial rehab, then WomensWallStreet.com is for you. Yeap, gotta start being fiscally responsible and independent.
rachel at 9:32 PM
Monday, December 12, 2005
old school nora ephron...You know what's on my mind right now?
This lovely classic of a movie.
" I like to start my notes to you as if we're already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we're the oldest and dearest friends.
... What will he say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've Got Mail.
I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beat of my own heart. I have mail. From you."
This is such a 180-degree turn from how I've been feeling the past 2 days.
It takes so little to make me happy.
I know I'm not gonna waltz on a cloud of bliss, so as Mel says just savor the moment and dance around my room instead of acting on my impulse to run out of the house and jump into the pool (lol).
Yes, it'd be right to say that I know some things are almost impossible because of the circumstances. So rationally I had to give up hope, despite the fleeting visions [more like delusions] of better things.
But, since life can be so unpredictable, every so often a little surprise comes along to brighten up my day and warm my heart even when I feel like shit has been poured onto my head.
There's just so many things I would love to say that I didn't because we had too many things to talk about.
rachel at 11:48 PM
Saturday, December 10, 2005
a nose for proseTonight I am engrossed in a suspense thriller, reading really closely to see if I can pick up any clues and piece together the whole story...but the writer has an uncanny ability to fit in all these details and think up all these plot twists, so it's quite beyond me. I also have a stash of magazines to be flipped through. All this makes for a nice quiet evening.
I got myself an early Christmas present today, Stila's Jade Blossom perfume. I usually love flowery scents, but this one is different - green tea, cucumber and verbena. It's sooo fresh. I like verbena alot anyway. I am eyeing Lovely by SJP and Chance by Chanel too. But yes, scents are expensive and it would be more worth it to say, buy a bag or something.
Went to the tailor with my mom this afternoon and while waiting for her to be fitted and my stuff to be altered, we read some Japanese fashion magazines the tailor had. Apparently she's got alotta Japanese clients. I was flipping through and practically everything inside was so sophisticated and gorgeous! It's stylish without being too trendy. Plus the Japanese girls are all so immaculately groomed. Something to work towards, I suppose? Mainly, I love the clothes and the shoes. Ahh...heaps of ideas there and I wish I understood the words as well.
Alrighty gonna raid the kitchen for some midnight snacks before curling in bed with my wicked read. :)
rachel at 11:45 PM
pick-me-upsI have my good days and I have my bad days. I've been a recluse ever since coming back from my holiday but only because I fell sick and felt like crap.
Tonight was one of the best I've had in ages - thanks Genny for being such lovely company as usual. :) Lots of giggles, silly moments and musings.
We finally made it to Canele after my bad directions landed us on the wrong side of Clarke Quay. At least we worked up an appetite. There was a choir carolling near Brewerkz. I suggested we try joining them at the back and singing as well to see what the conductor would do - that was my first crazy idea of the night.
i love lamp posts
To make up for all that lost time, we shared 6 cakes among the two of us. The patisserie doesn't sell savoury food anyway, and they had such a pretty assortments of cakes, chocolates, pastries and Christmas goodies that we had a hard time deciding what to eat. It helped that the service was great and they had nice substantial samples for us to try.
gateau chocolate...like lollipops
Of all that we ate, the tarte citron and the chocolate cake were really yummy. But then, all things sweet tickles my tastebuds nonetheless. The cheesecakes are not that special though. I am feeling really guilty because I just went to the dentist last evening.
same pose, different cakes
We were on a sugar high after that. The Robertson Quay/Unity Street area is nice to walk around because there's quite a number of nice cafes and bars, and we found some cheap wine and champagne, but we're saving that for next time.
post dinner/dessert, outside newsroom bar
On our way back to Clarke Quay, we saw these kites of the laser light up kind. Silly me thought it was something else together. Wished on them, and on a Christmas tree done up in gold too. "Carolled" to see if anyone would listen, and just soaked up the sights and sounds of the crowded stretch on a warm Friday night. On the downside, we're not really pickuppable girls but we're not that bothered.
Geneve's great piece of advice is simply not to dwell on something I can't have or see it as a problem and to just remember the wonderful experience I already had as opposed to putting myself through the cumbersome process of putting it behind me.
That's the way things should be, only I'm afraid this will never come along again and that's what makes me sad. To let it go would be to give up that hope. To hold on to it would be a delusion. I haven't opened my heart in so long, but I don't want to close it and be cynical. I think that makes me thankful for what I used to have that I no longer do [some, not all] ... that's when I start realizing things I wouldn't have earlier that have reframed my perspectives and put things in a different but better light. It doesn't always have to be negative.
And thus concludes a sinful calorie-laden but heartening evening that has left me, as Genny promised, with a sugar-induced headache.
rachel at 12:06 AM
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Cotton Candy on a Rainy DayI strangle my words as easily as I do my tears
I stifle my screams as frequently as I flash my smile
it means nothing
I am cotton candy on a rainy day
the unrealized dream of an idea unborn
I share with the painters the desire
To put a three-dimensional picture
On a one-dimensional surface
-Nikki Giovanni
I am tired of trying to make people happy and not having them appreciate what I do or even overlooking it, or pointing out what I have not done. It is when people take things for granted that I am most tempted to walk away and leave them feeling helpless.
rachel at 11:15 PM
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
the great pretender"It's the smile of someone struggling to convince herself she's happy." - Diary Of A Mad Bride, Laura Wolf
I need to muster up some energy to watch Champions League later because its crunchtime for man u. :/
Just got back from the theatre, where my dad had free tickets to the musical 'Mercury Rising'. There wasn't much of a crowd but the music was really good. It's based on Freddie Mercury, lead singer of Queen who died of Aids. The music was awesome and the pianist was quite the entertainer throughout. From his lyrics [apart from Queen's classics] he's clearly quite the tortured yet sensitive soul. Think vascillating between extremes, from I was born to love you to too much love can kill you. The rock was good, but so were some of the ballads.
How it hurts - deep inside
When your love has cut you down to size
Life is tough - on your own
Now I'm waiting for something to fall from the skies
And I'm waiting for love
-It's a Hard Life
rachel at 11:34 PM
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
love is just a four letter wordThis word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.
- margaret atwood, "variations on the word love"
J'aime ca.
I felt like a tourist in my own country today, and discovered free shuttle bus rides from the mrt station to the shopping mall to be rather fun because you get to soak in the sights.
I wouldn't have discovered Candy Empire otherwise. It's not quite my ultimate candy fantasy come true, but it drove me into a tizzy nonetheless. It was just shelves upon shelves of chips, cookies, chocolate, and candaay. Alliteration unintentional, but there were just so many different brands and flavours and colour all promising something to whet your appetite or cure your craving. I instinctively wanted to reach for some shortbread and cookies but the thought of not being able to eat it at the moment made me leave empty handed. The shop will still be there next time anyways. :)
Instead, I settled for Gelare's waffles with ice-cream. I figured it's a safe enough bet to satisfy my sweet tooth without upsetting the system. Speaking of which, I've run out of medicine already and I'm still not 100% yet.
Just finished doing some work for my dad and my eyes feel strained. I'm the kinda person who sits at the computer, types away furiously and doesn't budge until I'm done. :/ Now I'm gonna read and sketch some before bed.
rachel at 11:32 PM
a probable future?If only the education system believed in this, it would have saved us alot of stress when it came to learning math and more specifically, statistics. I always loathed probability because I hated thinking of all the possible situations and the permutations. I thought it was a waste of time because to me it served no practical purpose. Except maybe, when I think of football and playing cards.
I find myself nodding to this.
Life is chock-full of lies, but the biggest lie is math. That’s particularly clear in the discipline of probability, a field of study that’s completely and wholly fake. When push comes to shove-when you truly get down to the core essence of existence-there is only one mathematical possibility: Everything is 50-50. Either something will happen, or something will not.
When you flip a coin, what are the odds of it coming up heads? 50-50. Either it will be heads, or it will not. When you roll a six-sided die, what are the odds that you’ll roll a three? 50-50. You’ll either roll a three, or you won’t. That’s reality. Don’t fall into the childish “it’s one-in-six” logic trap. That is precisely what all your adolescent authority figures want you to believe. That’s how they enslave you. That’s how they stole your conviction, and that’s why you will never be happy. Either you will roll a three, or you will not; there are no other alternatives. The future has no memory. Certain things can be impossibly, and certain things can be guaranteed-but there is no sliding scale for maybe. Maybe something will happen, or maybe it won’t. That’s all there is. What are the chances that your sister will die from ovarian cancer next summer? 50-50 (either she’ll die from ovarian cancer or she won’t). What are the chances that your sister will become America’s most respected underwater welding specialist? 50-50. It will happen, or it won’t. There are two possibilities, and both are plausible and unknown. The odds are 2:1. These facts are irrefutable.
Quasi-intellectuals like to claim that math is spiritual. They are lying. Math is not religion. Math is the antireligion, because it splinters the gravity of life’s only imperative equation: Either something is true, or it isn’t. Do or do not; there is no try.
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
rachel at 9:34 PM
Monday, December 05, 2005
half-bakedI've branched out to reading cookbooks now, Nigella it is for today.
When you're ill it's forgiveable to let something slip, or to ignore something that you don't want to deal with. Haven't been this lucid in days. Couldn't sleep last night, but still woke up too early this morning, and throughout the day didn't really feel tired. My throat's not much better, because people who know full well I should be keeping quiet insist on pestering me with questions and frustrating me with stupid childish futile long-drawn debates.
This holiday has given me a "normal" sleeping pattern again...on most days there isn't a reason to be up past 12, and I find myself up at 8-ish. That's really good because eyebags freak me out, I can have a big breakfast and get more things done in a day. :)
My table's littered with cups [one each for water, honey water and tea] and assorted medicine. Tomorrow, unfortunately, since the tonsillitis shows no signs of letting up, I gotta drink the "bitterest gall" in the form of the herbal tea. When I was a kid I would eat a sweet and hold my breath, but recent years have shown that anything too bitter or sour [like preserved limes] just makes me gag.
rachel at 11:05 PM
Sunday, December 04, 2005
hoarse notes"How beautiful a street is in winter! It is at once revealed and obscured. Here vaguely one can trace symmetrical straight avenues of doors and windows; here under the lamps are floating islands of pale light through which pass quickly bright men and women, who, for all their poverty and shabbiness, wear a certain look of unreality, an air of triumph, as if they had given life the slip, so that life, deceived of her prey, blunders on without them."
"Am I here, or am I there? Or is true self neither this nor that, neither here nor there, but something so varied and wandering that it is only when we give the rein to its wishes and let it ake its way unimpeded that we are indeed ourselves?"- Virginia Woolf, "Street Haunting"
Slowly but surely I am getting better.
It's terribly boring being cooped up at home and not having the energy or mood to do anything, and various forms of entertainment soon lose their appeal. With oil and most good food outlawed from my diet, I was feeling miserable. On Saturday, though, thank goodness my parents decided to make cream of mushroom soup for dinner and pair it with Cedele's fresh and chewy sourdough bread. With cheese, ham and lettuce on the side, I was pretty happy. I am craving for lotsa food by now and mom's bought macademia and cashew nuts so we can start making cookies soon as my tonsillitis goes away.
December's my favourite month of the year, but I'm not into that festive mood yet. Thanks to church and my mom, preparations have already been made. I've bought all my Christmas cards from church to send out to everyone near and dear, and today we drove out to stock up on wrapping paper and buy new decorations for the tree and the house. I'm determined to get everything up and out early this year. And picking out the best gifts for the important people in my life is always a joy though it can be a bit of a challenge with certain ones. ;) I can't wait to get back on my feet.
Lately I've been so weary about some things, but oddly enough, it's been comforting to just be around my parents this weekend, even though we don't really operate on the same freqency and my mom and I don't see eye to eye most of the time.
rachel at 10:04 PM
Thursday, December 01, 2005
abominable abdominalsSigh. I have a stomach virus and tonsillitis, and the former is responsible for my fever the past few days. I'm supremely bored lying in bed, watching television and flipping through magazines, but I can't be out anyways. Such an awful feeling - I wanna be out and moving about and eating whatever I want. Erlack a pongoes.
rachel at 10:02 AM